Breaking News: Danish Study Reveals Stoners Might Be Just as Smart as You Thought Your Cat Was During Quarantine
In a groundbreaking revelation that’s shaking the foundations of basic common sense—you might want to sit down for this—researchers in Copenhagen (yes, the land of pastries and perfect hygge) have concluded that smoking weed may not, in fact, turn your brain into a scrambled egg. That’s right! The very potent stereotype that lighting up a joint will fry your cognitive skills to a crisp has just been reported as… potentially untrue? Who would have thought!
According to a massive study involving 5,162 men (which likely excluded women because they were too busy using logic), it turns out that the age at which a man starts smoking weed doesn’t seem to have any impact on cognitive decline later in life. So, if you started puffing at 16 while chanting ‘Free the Weed,’ you can rest easy knowing that your IQ is still somewhere in the realm of the average potato.
But wait, there’s more! Frequent adult stoners—those noble souls who think “I’ll just have one more for the road” is a life motto—were found to experience no more cognitive decline than their sober counterparts. So, next time you’re at a party, just remind everyone that you’re apparently making the same genius-level decisions as the teetotalers! Classics!
The study, which sounds like the world’s longest high school reunion but with fewer laughs, categorized stoners based on when they first grabbed the ol’ ganja. It’s like the military, but instead of ranks, it’s all about who started toking at what age. As if they sent invitations to “The Great Pot Debate” via smoke signal!
Now, before you rush off to start your online cannabis wisdom academy, let’s address the apparent “oops, we forgot the ladies” moment of this research. The study relied on a military test called the Børge Prien’s Prøve test (try saying that three times fast), which just sounds like something that should involve marching, not marijuana. So apologies to all the women out there; it seems you might need to bring some chips to the next men-only math club meeting to continue the pot debate!
In a twist that not even M. Night Shyamalan could script, the study concluded that those who toke might actually have a one-point advantage in cognitive function over non-smokers. Yes, folks, you read that right! Stoners aren’t just munchies-loving couch potatoes—they might actually be 1.3 IQ points smarter! Cue the musical number: “We’re smarter than you, and we’re stoned!”
The researchers humbly admitted their findings fly in the face of the “War on Marijuana” narrative pushed by pharma-funded scare tactics, which is kind of like finding out your trusted puppy is secretly a cat lover. In other words, these buzzkill campaigns of the past have been all bark and no bite.
So, what does it mean for mankind? Are we doomed to embrace a global stoner society? Will everyone start wearing tie-dye and discussing deep philosophical thoughts at 2 AM? Only time (and maybe a few more studies) will tell!
In conclusion, it seems that next time someone tries to judge you for your “unproductive” lifestyle, just take a puff, raise a brow, and say, “Aw, honey. Haven’t you heard? I may actually be mastering the art of being smarter than you think!” 🌿✨
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.yahoo.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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