Breaking News: Ancient Farmers Were Just as Confused About Cannabis as We Are!
It turns out that our ancestors were not just hunting and gathering – they were also totally zoning out on a plant that would later become the life-blood of college dorm rooms! Forgive us for this historical revelation, but 12,000 years ago, in a land far, far away (a.k.a Central or East Asia, depending on whom you ask), humans were allegedly cultivating cannabis for “multipurpose” uses. Multipurpose? Please, they were probably just coming up with ways to avoid doing actual work. Ever heard of sitting? That’s what they did best!
A new scientific study – yes, those people in lab coats we always ignore at parties – argues that cannabis probably originated in East Asia. Spoiler alert: it was most likely grown there not as a kickback after a long day of foraging, but for fiber and medicinal uses. If humans had Pinterest back then, their boards would be filled with "10 Ways to Enhance Your Chill," right next to "DIY Stone Tools" and "Fashion Tips from Neolithic Trendsetters."
But let’s not sell our ancestors short! About 4,000 years ago, they apparently had an epiphany: "Hey, what if we grow this stuff specifically to get lit?” Talk about a mind-blowing concept! It’s like realizing that your microwave is also a bass speaker – you can heat up your leftovers and drop the freshest beats at the same time!
Enter Michael Purugganan, biology professor and modern-day time traveler. He swoops in to remind us that early humans were generally thought to have been growing plants primarily for food, not recreational giggles! I mean, what were they even thinking? “Hmm… these berries are delicious, but they just don’t hit the way this fuzzy plant does. Let’s replace dinner with a party!”
So here we are in 2023, meticulously retracing the steps of our ancient ancestors as we debate the origins of cannabis sativa. Will this enlightenment help mankind avoid impending doom? Will we finally answer the burning question: “Where did the weed come from?” Probably not. But at least we can rest easy knowing that if history has taught us anything, it’s that humanity will always find a way to cultivate confusion and bliss—even in the form of a leafy green plant!
Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to brainstorm our own multipurpose crops because those Neolithic farmers set the bar way too low. “Coming soon: the high-fiber couch potato plant.” Stay tuned for the scientific breakthroughs on that one!
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.nytimes.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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