🎉🌿 Welcome to Seattle, where the coffee is strong, and so is the cannabis! 🌿🎉
This Christmas, one brave soul ventured into the Land of Legal Weed armed only with a questionable sense of nostalgia and a desire to "get baked," albeit in the most sophisticated way possible. Our hero—who we can lovingly refer to as “The Green Adventurer”—decided that a dabble into THC was in order, perhaps thinking it was just like riding a bike, except the handlebars are made of hemp and the saddle is covered in glitter! 🚴♂️🌈
The moment our protagonist stepped foot into Herban Legends (yes, it sounds like a hipster fantasy RPG), they were met by walls adorned with cute little jars of joins, each promising to take you on a magical journey. I mean, it’s practically like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory exploded and was rebranded for the stoner elite. 🍭✨
After a rehearsed display of ‘not-so-coolness’ (seriously, who asks if they can take pictures in a dispensary? 🙄), The Green Adventurer made the life-altering decision to purchase Velvet Swing—a cannabis-infused lube promising “Come Long, Come Hard, Come Again.” To which I say, "Great marketing, but does the lube also come with a trophy?" 🏆💦
For a mere $49—because if it doesn’t cost as much as a decent dinner, are you even enjoying it?—our hero navigated the complex web of spending money in a federally backed bank with the ease of a toddler on a sugar high. After all, nothing screams responsibility like mixing your credit card with cannabis lube! 🏦🍃
Fast forward to the highly scheduled "Test THC Lube" event, where there was indeed a calendar block marking “poke around and then attempt not to get distracted by cat videos.” Little did they know the adventures that awaited. With just a few pumps (let’s keep this PG, folks), The Green Adventurer discovered that Cannabis Lube takes its sweet time to kick in—20 minutes for a tingle and 40 minutes for full potency, which is quite possibly the most dramatic buildup since The Hobbit. 🏰🍆
And while the experience down below was indeed heightened (8 to 9 on the euphoric scale = progress!), let’s be real. If that’s as far as we’re going to discuss this “privileged” experiment, you can bet there’s a few dozen ways this could have ended in an awkward family dinner conversation. 🙈🍽️
But folks, here’s the real kicker: beyond the sheer entertainment value, this cannabis lube could actually revolutionize the lives of many! Yes, you heard it here first! As it turns out, THC and CBD aren’t just for inducing the giggles or elevating your pizza-munching game; they actually serve a purpose! They help tackle the much-underreported issue of discomfort during sex… because who knew lubricants could perhaps be WAY more than just glorified oil? 🚀💘
So, if you’re ever in Washington State, where the marijuana flows like wine (and tomatoes), don’t forget to make a stop at your local dispensary, but do so with the dignity of someone who just googled “Can I ask if I can take pictures?” Soulful journeys await—just leave the selfies for another time! 📸💥
And remember, if you’re contemplating traveling for your lube needs, just, please, DON’T spend the whole time in your hotel room. Go be adventurous! With or without lube, we can all use a little magic. ✈️🌟
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , coveteur.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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