Breaking News: Scientists Verify That Vaping Is Like Rocket Fuel for Getting High—Duh!
In a groundbreaking discovery that’s probably got stoner philosophers raising their bongs in salute, researchers at Johns Hopkins (because of course it’s in Baltimore) have officially declared that puffing on vaporized marijuana sends you soaring higher than an eagle on a Red Bull. As if we needed a team of scientists with lab coats and clipboards to validate this totally obvious fact.
Gather ‘round, folks: we’ve got 17 brave souls who’d smoked weed once in the last year (a real selected group) and signed up for some very extensive “research.” Because the idea of getting astronomically high for science sounds much better than just…re-watching Planet Earth for the twentieth time on your couch.
Over six marathon sessions, these participants hotboxed their dreams in darkness to maintain the suspense. After all, what’s more thrilling than answering questions about your high, “blindfolded”? Scientists kept the mood just right by throwing together some seriously complex tasks like solving addition problems and replicating shapes—essentially the Olympics for catatonic couch-bound stoners.
Of course, when they puffed the magic cactus (a.k.a. cannabis) in vapor form, they reportedly felt way more “cerebrally impacted” than those old school “I’m puffin’ a joint” folks. And we’re talking about a mere 25 mg dose of THC—the equivalent of a toddler-sized amount, still able to cause future hallucinations and two participants to unleash some kind of meatball tsunami (they vomited). One participant probably thought they were on a space mission and met aliens.
But here’s the kicker: it turns out that this measly 25 mg of THC is, like, a drop in the bucket compared to what you’d find in a dispensary. Imagine a candy store where the average candy bar is upwards of 1.0 g, and the THC content is so high you might as well be trying to outrun a police car on a bicycle!
The study, funded by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (AKA the people who really want you to be smart about legal highs), concluded that marijuana enthusiasts practically double down on stupidity when vaping—making more mistakes in cognitive tests than when just smoking. Surprise, surprise, right? Vaping is to getting high what a triple espresso is to a Sunday morning brunch—turning chill into “What’s happening!?"
So, just to sum it up in case you’ve an attention span shorter than a goldfish: Vaping weed = YOU GET WAY HIGHER. And remember, while recreational weed is legal in nine states and Canada (thank goodness), even small doses can turn you into a paranoid spaghetti monster faced with life’s toughest questions: “Did I leave the oven on?” and “Is my cat judging me for eating leftover pizza?”
In the end, maybe let’s just stick to the couch and forever wait for the next big breakthrough in the great quest for the ultimate high. At least until they figure out how to get us higher with pizza. 🍕
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.livescience.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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