Breaking News: Horse Race or Epic Game of Leapfrog? You Decide!
In what experts are calling the “Equine World’s Most Underwhelming Fail,” the two-year-old horse Perfect Stride decided to show the world that while he may have elegance and speed, he definitely lacks common sense. Because nothing says “I’m an emerging champion” quite like launching over a pile of poo at Alexandra Park last night, just like that time you bravely attempted to dodge a puddle and ended up belly flopping in a kiddie pool.
So there was Perfect Stride, the celebrity rookie from Lincoln Farms—think of him as the little brother of the famous Chicago Bull, if Chicago Bull were to jump into a kiddie pool filled with disappointment instead of gracefully gliding into the spotlight. As he tried to overtake the leader Smooth Deal (who sounds like a character from a bad romance novel), he spotted a "special feature" on the track and thought, “Hey, let’s have some fun!” And just like that, he took a leap that would have earned him a spot on the podium in a "Worst Decisions of 2023" competition.
Zachary Butcher, probably debating his life choices, was in the driver’s seat and managed to get Perfect Stride back to the business of racing—after losing about 97 lengths, of course. After Dusty the Horse Poop took center stage, Perfect Stride galloped his way back into a respectable third place—because, as we all know, third place is just first loser wearing a pretty ribbon.
“It’s not like we’d have beaten Smooth Deal,” said Zachary, who surely downplayed the moment just to maintain some shred of dignity. “But he would have run second.” Naturally, the horse also didn’t help his own cause, pulling harder than a toddler refusing to leave the toy aisle at Target.
As for the race itself, think of it as a classic underdog tale… where the underdog trips over its own shoelaces and loses to a horse that sounds like the protagonist’s rugged love interest. Meanwhile, David Butcher was behind the wheel of his own horse, Double Or Nothing—which now seems more like Double Or Not Quite Good Enough—watching as Smooth Deal surged ahead like he had a jetpack strapped to his back.
And if that wasn’t enough drama for one evening, there was Sir Tiger, Lincoln Farms’ other contender, who apparently mistook the starting gate for a personal enemy, leading to a spectacular tangle that can only be described as the most chaotic dance move you’ve ever witnessed.
Smooth Deal, the star of the night, crossed the finish line—and by "crossed," we mean banned everyone else from even trying to catch up—by a breathtaking three and three-quarter lengths. The horse was clocked at a mind-boggling mile rate of 1:56.3, which, let’s be honest, would have been even faster if he wasn’t weighed down by the lingering effects of Perfect Stride’s unfortunate leap.
In the end, one thing is clear: horse racing is not just a test of speed, but also a dramatic production featuring–you guessed it–poo jumps, childhood fantasies, and hilariously misguided attempts at glory. Buckle up for the next Young Guns race on New Year’s Eve, because if Perfect Stride can manage to avoid theatrical leaps over land mines of manure, he might actually come in, you know, second.
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.lincolnfarms.co.nz (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
0 Comments