Former President and Self-Proclaimed Cannabis Connoisseur Trump Awaits Florida’s Pot Revolution with Bated Breath
In a stunning turn of events that could only be described as more thrilling than a rollercoaster made of soup, former President Donald J. Trump, on Saturday, cautiously dipped his toes into the swampy waters of marijuana legalization, signaling his support for a Florida ballot measure so popular that even sea turtles are fundraising for it. That’s right, folks: Amendment 3, legalizing recreational marijuana, is inching closer to reality, and Trump is more excited than a kid in a candy store—if that kid were deeply confused and half-heartedly skeptical about candy.
Posting on his fabulous social media platform, Truth Social (a name so ironic it deserves its own sitcom), Trump expressed that he doesn’t think marijuana should be criminalized in Florida, considering it’s already legal in states where the police ride on hoverboards while sipping chai lattes. But fear not, he’s not exactly rolling out the red carpet for stoners just yet. “Just because it’s happening doesn’t mean it can’t smell like a hot box in your aunt’s basement,” he cautioned, implying that we need to keep our ganja-fueled escapades indoors, away from the nostrils of unsuspecting passersby who may or may not still be recovering from last year’s Super Bowl halftime show.
The Polls Are High—Literally!
Public opinion polls say a staggering majority of Floridians are totally for it—maybe they think it would help pass some of those excruciatingly grandiose traffic jams that make the state feel like eternity’s waiting room. But alas, Trump is walking a tightrope made of spaghetti, needing to keep up with his fellow Republicans who’d rather scrub the state clean of cannabis than enjoy a Tofu Tokin’ Tuesday.
This is the same Trump who just couldn’t bring himself to take a stand before, possibly out of fear that his “Don’t let anyone get high in my backyard” lawn sign might clash with his golden fountain. But now he’s pontificating with the wisdom of a man who thinks he invented purple—a revolutionary move that leaves both sides of the aisle wondering if this is the beginning of a political potluck.
Signs of Disapproval?
Trump even recommended that the state legislature plays it responsibly, creating laws to keep that sticky icky confined to discreet living rooms and basement playrooms. "We don’t need to smell it everywhere, like in all those ‘Democrat-run cities’ where flamboyant murals and dignity apparently go to die," he exclaimed with all the flair of a magician pulling a rabbit out of a non-existent hat.
And dear readers, let’s not overlook the man’s concern: “We don’t need to ruin lives and waste taxpayer dollars arresting adults with personal amounts of it on them,” he stated, as if delivering the finest stand-up comedy set in a dimly lit bar somewhere—preferably while marinated in 80-proof charm.
The Real Mastermind?
So there you have it, Trump: the unexpected cannabis cheerleader whose strategic plan resembles that of a toddler trying to negotiate bedtime. Now, whether he’ll light up a joint—figuratively or literally—at his next press conference remains to be seen, but one can only assume that a round of applause awaits him from the kaleidoscopic crowd of marijuana enthusiasts and confused squirrels alike.
In the meantime, let’s all engage in a collective eye roll as we await the imminent rise of Florida: The Land of Sunshine, Tourism, and Potentially the World’s Largest Stoner Convention. Stay tuned, folks; the next chapter is bound to be more colorful than a tie-dye shirt at a Grateful Dead concert! #LegalizeItButDon’tSmellIt
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.nytimes.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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