Quebec’s New Cannabis Regulations: A Masterclass in Overreach and Unintentional Comedy
Breaking News: In a move that can only be described as ‘desperate for a headline,’ the Quebec government has officially declared war on sweet, sugary cannabis edibles. That’s right, folks! François Legault’s Coalition Avenir Québec (CAQ) has decided that if they can’t trust kids with candy, then they definitely can’t trust them with pot brownies. Yep, because why not sprinkle a little extra absurdity into an already convoluted situation?
On Tuesday, the CAQ voted to ban most cannabis edibles from the province. Let’s take a moment to appreciate the wisdom in this decision: if the rest of Canada is riding the cannabis wave like a stoned dolphin, Quebec has chosen to paddle upstream with a broken oar while shouting, “Kids and candy! Not on my watch!” And because just saying no isn’t enough, they’ve also bumped the legal age for cannabis use up to 21. Yes, because a 20-year-old with a college degree definitely can’t handle marijuana responsibly, but a 21-year-old is suddenly equipped with life-altering decision-making skills.
The law has garnered a round of applause from the ‘no-fun-allowed’ faction, earning Quebec the coveted title of “Most Restrictive Cannabis Province in Canada.” The only sound the opposition parties made when voting against the law was probably the collective facepalm echoed across the National Assembly. Seriously, it’s like they’re handing out participation trophies for “Best Buzzkill,” all while Quebec’s public health association rolls its eyes harder than a teenager forced to attend a family gathering.
Wait, it gets even better! So the CAQ wants to put a big, fat, red ‘NO’ sticker on anything remotely resembling a delightful cannabis treat, especially if it might appeal to the youthful demographic—because we all know that children are dying to chomp down on a THC-infused s’mores brownie. Meanwhile, they’ve decided on the innovative alternative of canned drinks including tea and sparkling water. Because nothing screams “Let’s get lit!” quite like a sparkling water infused with 3 milligrams of THC and no flavor—maybe they’ll call it “Beverage of the Bored.” Come December, those boring drinks will supposedly hit the shelves. Don’t worry, I’m sure all the cool kids at the party will be so impressed!
Moreover, while the sweet treats are barred from the SQDC—Quebec’s designated cannabis supermarket—feel free to bake your own cannabis brownies at home! Because nothing says “responsible adult” like accidentally inviting your entire neighborhood to a bake-off where everyone’s very curious about why the cookies taste like existential dread.
Of course, we can’t forget the delightful irony of these rules coming hot on the heels of the fact that cannabis edibles were just legalized on October 17. At this rate, one can only assume the next move from Quebec officials will be to outlaw ice cream for being too decadent. What’s next, banning cupcakes for posing a health risk to poorly-behaved children?
So, here we are, pals—Quebec is here to protect all of us from ourselves because clearly, we’re all just one brownie away from total chaos. Grab your sparkling water and remember: have fun, but not too much fun!
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , montreal.eater.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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