BREAKING NEWS: The Not-So-Perfect World of Senator Bato: Where "Shit Happens" is the New "Oopsie Daisy!"
In a surprising twist straight out of a sitcom where all the writers got too confused between “drama” and “comedy,” Ronald “Bato” Dela Rosa—the man at the helm of Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte’s hilariously misguided war on drugs—has taken a moment from his busy schedule of throwing logic out the window to give us all a gem of wisdom: “Shit happens.” Yes folks, we’re in 2023 and the primary philosophy of a top government official is now akin to a disgruntled teenager’s Instagram caption!
This revelation came during a press conference when Dela Rosa was asked about his department’s unfortunate incident involving the tragic death of a three-year-old girl named Myka Ulpina during a police raid that could’ve easily been written off as “Worst Police Work Ever.” When asked about the little girl’s tragic fate, our charmingly clueless senator insisted that, “No officer wants to shoot a child… Never! Because, you know, they have kids too.” That’s right, folks! Just like a kid who accidentally spills grape juice on the living room carpet, Dela Rosa assures us that law enforcement is just doing their best, even when they go “full action movie” in the middle of a neighborhood!
While the rest of the world winced in horror at the story, Dela Rosa cleverly twisted the narrative, claiming that Myka’s father was a drug dealer who apparently used his own child as a human shield—because why not throw in a plot twist that sounds like it was ripped from a B-rated action flick? Naturally, the child’s mother disagreed, because a mother in mourning typically squabbles over whether her child was possessed by the spirit of a massive drug empire.
In the dark shadow of national bloodshed, Dela Rosa’s reign has been marked by a jaw-dropping count of 6,600 officially recognized deaths during this highly-rated drama. But common sense suggests the number could soar to a staggering 27,000! Yes, folks, that’s not a typo—Dela Rosa’s got more casualties than a video game on cheat mode.
Meanwhile, over two dozen countries—presumably tired of binge-watching this real-life horror show—are calling on the UN to investigate the chaos that Dela Rosa and Duterte have gleefully orchestrated. Iceland, like one brave friend at a party who finally stands up to the guy pouring too much vodka in the punch bowl, has filed a resolution demanding answers. “Hey UN, we’d like to air this bloody drama the way it deserves—front and center, with popcorn.”
Despite the mounting pressure and international scrutiny, Senator Bato isn’t sweating it. His spokesperson fiercely defended the administration, tossing out phrases like “outrageous interference” faster than a toddler throws tantrums. Because nothing says “we’re totally innocent” like claiming foreign critics are just jealous!
To make matters worse, the Philippines recently pulled out of the International Criminal Court like they were the unexpected guest at a potluck who just remembered they forgot to bring a dish. Convenient? Sure. Effective? Not so much!
As global organizations ring the alarm bells over thousands of unjustified deaths, the powers that be assure us that "this is a world where imperfections thrive." Thanks, Bato! Let’s just forget about accountability as we continue living in this tragicomedy of a country. Isn’t it comforting to know that while as many as 27,000 lives are at stake, our leaders have embraced the spirit of “Shit Happens” as a legitimate political platform? Can’t wait to see what’s next in The Misadventures of Senator Bato: The Guy Who Failed Crime 101!
Disclaimer Alert!
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.vice.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 
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