Breaking News: Marijuana Found to Be the Ultimate Cupid, But Only When You Use the Right Amount (Or Not at All)
In a groundbreaking revelation that leaves no stone—and definitely no smoke—unturned, scientists have confirmed that cannabis is basically the fairy godmother of the bedroom. Yes, folks, researchers have unfurled their lab coats and dusted off their bongs to reveal that a little puff-puff could be just the ticket to getting your groove back. And you thought your love life was just a tad blunt.
A wide-ranging study involving 20, count ’em, TWENTY different studies—which is nearly half the research hours of Netflix’s latest documentary series—found that cannabis can make both men and women feel like Brad Pitt in their prime. Apparently, just the right amount of the green stuff might help you feel more friendly and go from Netflix and chilling to actual chilling on the sofa for a friendly hookup in no time!
Researchers, likely sporting tie-dye lab coats and a passionate love for pizza, claim that "lower doses improve desire," while "higher doses either lower desire or do not affect desire at all." Translation: smoke too much of that fine weed, and you’ll just end up thinking your couch is an attractive partner. Spoiler alert: it’s not.
This thrilling saga doesn’t just stop with human participants though—oh no! They’ve roped in our furry friends too. Yes, there are actual studies showing that female hamsters who indulge in THC might just be the love machines of the rodent world. Get ready for a new Netflix wildlife series: "Hamster Love: A Tale of Tails and THC." They found that the little furballs were all about mate activity with the right dosage—but too much weed made them more like "meh, not tonight, I have a headache" and refusing dates entirely.
Can you even imagine? A hamster high and confused, just staring at the wheel like, "What’s the point?" Don’t worry, flammable friends; it’s not just hamsters who are struggling. Women using cannabis have reported increased excitement levels, with a retro 1974 study announcing that 57.8% of female students found their sex drives spiking like a teenager’s heart rate at prom. Meanwhile, just 39.9% of men claimed the same—oof, sorry guys.
But should we hold the applause? While we’re all here throwing high-fives and toasting with celebratory dabs, let’s remember that researchers are still trying to figure out the exact mechanics behind cannabis and sex. We’re basically at “The science is good, but we still have a lot of questions…” Standby for the sequel: “The Science of Cuddling: Behind the Green Doors.”
In conclusion, if you’re looking to spice things up in the boudoir, maybe take a cue from those college kids and their hamsters. Light up some fresh, non-stuffed-animal masculinity, but remember: too much green may lead you to a regrettable acquaintance with your couch instead of your partner. Happy smoking, and may your libido soar higher than your THC levels!
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , thefreshtoast.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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