Breaking News: Average Joe vs. The Liver Monster—And What They Didn’t Teach Us in Farm School!
In a world where employees fade into the background like that forgotten vegetable in the fridge, Phil Sattler was living his best unseen life at Lincoln Farms in the grand and sophisticated town of Pukekohe—a location so glamorous it makes you question if potatoes have their own paparazzi. That is, until liver cancer decided to enter stage left like the world’s most unwelcome party crasher. “Surprise!” it screamed, right as Phil was settling into his comfy behind-the-scenes gig.
Phil, who may or may not have been fluent in ‘convalescence’ (spoiler alert: he wasn’t), bewilderingly found himself in the hospital after a colonoscopy—a day that was obviously just your average Tuesday. Because what’s more poetic than waking up with a half a liver post-surgery, right? But fear not! Enter the heroic Lincoln Farms owners, John and Lynne Street, with the definitive “We appreciate you!” gift basket, consisting of hospital bills paid, two months’ pay, and free rent—the ultimate “Get Well Soon” strategy worthy of a genius in strategic kindness.
In a twist that can only be described as "Cowboy Meets Cancer", just three days post-surgery, Phil decided that hospital beds were for the weak! He flipped the nurses a cheeky wink while defiantly signing himself out, powered by sheer will and perhaps a mild case of absurdity. When his surgeon, with all the enthusiasm of a cartoon character, asked “Are you horse people really tough, or just dumb?” one could only wonder if they had mistakenly been cast in a reality show about ridiculous situations.
“I mean, come on, after spending so much money on me, I’d better walk out of here and start mowing lawns like a champ!” Phil quipped, showcasing a work ethic so intense it leaves us average folks wondering if he’s part-horse himself. Who knew chemotherapy came with a side of lawn care?
Now, let’s not forget the generous government overlords at Work and Income who took pity on the man by covering his monthly medicinal cannabis bill. It’s almost like they thought, “Phil’s got a big fight ahead; let’s equip him with the best battle gear money can buy!”
But wait, there’s more! Despite the odds stacked higher than an opera singer on a unicycle, Phil felt so sprightly he wanted to return to work. Can you envision the shock on trainer Ray Green’s face when Phil rolled out of bed at 5 AM after a surgical operation?! “Aren’t you supposed to be sick?” was probably the understatement of the year.
As he waved goodbye to Lincoln Farms—his beloved kingdom of hay bales and equine drama—Phil is now determined to swap out the thrill of shipping horses for the exhilarating life of retirement, armed with a cat army of three and a general demeanor of I’m bored out of my skull already. Hang on to your hats, folks, because Phil plans to volunteer, chat with yearlings, and read four books a week. Truly, someone get this guy a cape!
And, let’s not forget Phil’s iconic nighttime wanderings, where he would play vigilante for the horses, forming unspoken alliances against invasive possums and rogue thieves. “Surprise! It’s a horse in the alley!” could soon become a bestselling horror novel.
He recounted one such story—the time a curious colt endeavored to snack on a cat. Sorry, buddy, this isn’t a feline buffet! Phil’s stable friendships were so deep that the horses apparently recognized his signature smell of “cigarettes and competence”.
If only we could harness their energy!
So as Phil shifts into the land of retirement, let’s raise a toast (preferably with a non-alcoholic drink to protect that liver) to the man who turned oncology into a laugh-fest and barn management into an Olympic sport. Because in a world filled with drama, Phil just taught us that in the game of life, sometimes you just have to saddle up, laugh at the chaos, and keep striding forward.
Filmed live from the “My Life is Normal but with 90% Horsepower” saga, it’s safe to say: Phil is not your average Joe post-cancer. Get ready for the Pukekohe Chronicles starring a legend in the making—may his stables be forever cluttered and his adventures infinitely unboring! 🍀🐴📚
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.lincolnfarms.co.nz (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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