Breaking News: 2014: The Year Marijuana Went from “Just Say No” to “Yeah, Awkward!”
Ladies and Gentlemen, gather ‘round! 2014 was the year marijuana took a deep breath, donned its fanciest tie-dye, and awkwardly stumbled onto the national stage—like a stoned uncle at a wedding! Gone are the days when we pretended that cannabis was just a wild rumor passed around at high school parties. Let’s indulge in flashbacks of the most HILARIOUS highlights from this pot-fueled rollercoaster!
1. Colorado & Washington: The Pot Paradise Debut
New Year’s Day was supposed to be all about resolutions, but in Colorado and Washington, it became “let’s get high and throw our scales out the window!” With the first legal cannabis shops opening, folks lined up like they were waiting for the next iPhone, ready to purchase their “just-for-fun” weed. Shocker! The world didn’t end, and the sky remained in its rightful place, atop our heads. You’d think it was a disaster movie, but all we got was happiness and fewer public hangovers.
Mike Elliott from the Marijuana Industry Group, bless his green heart, proclaimed, “Colorado has shown the world that cannabis can be safely bought and sold.” Because who needs black market violence when you can have explosive sales of edibles, right? Of course, a few folks discovered the hard way that ‘pot brownies’ don’t come with an instruction manual. “High”—the new soup of the day—grew increasingly concerning for our driving community.
2. Oregon & Alaska: Follow the Money!
Meanwhile, Oregon and Alaska decided to join the soiree with their own campaigns. After funding campaigns that made Monopoly money look like pocket change, the Marijuana Policy Project pumped over $700,000 into the “Yes on Ballot Measure 2.” Because why settle for couch surfing when you can fund a movement?!
And voila! With the fervor only sleep-deprived advocates could muster, both states waved their victory flags, looking at their shiny new legal statuses like they were the newest members of a hipster coffee co-op!
3. A New Anti-Pot League: The “Cool Kids” of Prohibition
Enter Project SAM: a group of prohibitionists headed by the most “menacing” duo since Batman and Robin. Patrick Kennedy and Kevin Sabet took aim at legal weed, claiming it was a "public health nightmare." Because who wouldn’t want a public health crisis involved?
These two noble warriors were here to protect us from the scourge of marijuana—like knights against the evil dragons of… uh, a really chill time? Despite garnering all the charm of a wet blanket at a beach party, they’re fueled by a hope that someday, millennials get bored and start crying for prohibition like their parents did. Good luck, fellas!
4. Welcome to the McMarijuana Era!
In a plot twist less magical than unicorns flying over rainbows, corporate cannabis strutted into town. The Marley family launched Marley Natural, the Starbucks of smoking weeds—with $50 million to boot! The move shocked the free-spirited herbalists who’d hoped for a world of peace signs and small-scale growers instead of meticulously packaged “loose packed” buds.
Because what’s better than sharing a joint? Texting someone the Starbucks-like order of your “gourmet green” while dropping another $6 on an oversized cup labeled “Grass-itivity”!
5. Change is in the Air, Unless You’re Sheldon Adelson
Let’s not forget Sheldon Adelson, who threw $6 million into the fight against marijuana legalization in Florida. Talk about swinging a sledgehammer in a pet store! Just when you thought we’d found common ground, along comes our good ol’ capitalism, ready to stomp all over our buzz.
As we Totter into the Future…
So there you have it, folks! Nothing says progress like a low-key war over weed with a splash of corporate madness. If 2014 taught us anything, it’s that whether you’re pro-pot, anti-pot, or just confused about which side your uncle is on, the fight will continue until we all learn one simple truth: sobriety may be a bummer, but addiction to big business is an even bigger drag!
Game on? More like “game on the bong!” 2023, we’re ready for you—pot-laden, pun-filled, and patting ourselves on the back for making history in the most ludicrous way possible! 🍃🎉
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.nbcnews.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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