Headline: "Breaking News: Government Minister Discovers War is Not an Exciting Game of Dodgeball!"
In a stunning revelation fit for a B-list comedy, Australian government minister Jason Clare bravely ventured onto the Seven Network on a casual Friday morning to tackle the age-old mystery: why don’t wars come with a ‘pause’ button for innocent people? “I want the war to stop!” he boldly proclaimed, proving once again that no idea is too obvious for a politician to not say on television.
Clare’s brilliant insight comes hot on the heels of the unfortunate demise of Zomi Frankcom, an Australian aid worker, who found herself accidentally participating in an "extreme dodging" game when an Israeli airstrike hit her convoy. “It’s obvious that Israel is not doing enough to protect innocent lives,” Clare opined, suggesting that maybe they should just ask the army to take a break and maybe share some avocado toast instead.
Over at the Israeli command center, things took a turn for the dramatic as military commander-in-chief Herzi Halevi announced that his forces had made a grave mistake. Yes, you read that right—grave. That’s what happens when you confuse clearly marked humanitarian vehicles with your neighbor’s oversized barbecue grill. “It shouldn’t have happened,” he added, further clarifying his stance that targeting aid workers is not listed as a standard ‘oopsie’ in the war handbook. Apologies were flying faster than stray missiles, with President Isaac Herzog even admitting the incident was a “tragic case”—so tragic, it might even make a heartwarming Hallmark movie one day.
Now, while the rest of the world might be shaking their heads, Clare is already gearing up for what he hopes will be a “turning point” in war negotiations. Ah yes, because every ambassador, world leader, and military tactician just waits for a minister to step in and say, “Hey-look-over-there!” to resolve long-standing conflicts.
“Our war-inaldo needs to stop now!” he insisted because clearly, war tactics work the same way as negotiating with a toddler at a candy store. It’s all about timing and maybe unleashing the magical powers of ‘sharing’ and ‘caring.’
Meanwhile, after receiving backlash more intense than a celebrity after a wrong Instagram post, Spain’s leader Pedro Sánchez called Israel’s reasons “unacceptable and insufficient.” This is the kind of diplomatic tea that makes you want to pop some popcorn—if only our leaders had discovered this ‘honesty’ phenomenon earlier.
But hold on—it’s not just Clare feeling the political heat here. Accountability seems to be rolling in on a one-year delayed Amazon Prime shipment, as calls for justice for Zomi and her fallen comrades have reached a heartwarming crescendo. “You shouldn’t be able to extinguish a life like this so callously,” lamented family friend Karuna Bajracharya, who might as well be auditioning for a role in a courtroom drama—because if there’s one thing that can be taken seriously in a frantic political landscape, it’s demanding justice for a deceased aid worker.
As we move forward in this farcical drama, one truth remains clear: if history has taught us anything, it’s that we’re still terrible at diplomatic dodgeball. So here’s a toast to stopping the killing, the starvation, and the finding of a proper solution—one avocado toast and episode of goodwill at a time.
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.sbs.com.au (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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