Spring Break Survival Guide: How to Not Become a Legendary Cautionary Tale

Ah, Spring Break! That sacred time when students trade textbooks for tropical sunsets, all while learning that adulting is just one bad decision after another. Here’s a foolproof, overly cautious guide to ensure your week isn’t filled with stories best reserved for midnight confessions at your nearest support group.

1. Rest Up: You’re Not a Vampire!

Feel like your car could use some rest just like you? Spoiler alert: it can’t! Driving while dead tired is a surefire way to score an award for “Worst Impersonation of a Responsible Adult.” Studies show you’re just as impaired after 24+ hours without sleep as you would be if you chugged a bunch of those fancy cocktails they serve at trendy bars. We suggest a quick stop at a hotel—who knew they weren’t just places for sketchy rendezvous and free breakfast?

2. Protect Your Skin: You’re Not a Lobster!

Ah, the sun—a beautiful sphere of fiery doom that revels in turning hapless humans into sunburnt walking pizzas. From the beach to the mountainous heights of Colorado (which are apparently sunbathing hotspots), your SPF should be slathered on thicker than your cousin’s ‘famous’ guacamole. Pro tip: if your skin looks like you tried rolling in a bag of Cheetos, you’ve waited too long to reapply.

3. Hydrate: You’re Not a Sphinx!

Listen, if you find yourself parched in a pool of sprightly cocktail users, you’ve graduated from “tragically unprepared” to “Why are you even living?” Water is your best friend—much like that one person who will hold your hair back after too many tequila shots. If you find yourself eyeing those suspiciously colorful drinks, just remember: a bottle of water is your trusty sidekick against dehydration… and awkward bathroom trips.

4. Be Smart Around Alcohol: You’re Not a Character from Animal House!

If you’ve never heard that eating before drinking is essential, congratulations! You’ve found the one way to test the boundaries of what it means to “function like an adult.” Your stomach is not an empty pit to be filled with alcohol like it’s a Thanksgiving turkey. Keep that protein rolling in; your brain will thank you when it doesn’t need a rescue mission.

Also, remember: when it comes to drinks, be vigilant! If it’s not sealed, mixed, or counterfeit, leave it alone. And for the love of everything holy, don’t look for Uber with less than 10% battery—unless you’re hoping to thumb wrestle with fate.

5. Cannabis Caution: You’re Not a Jedi!

If you venture into the realm of legal cannabis, arm yourself with knowledge! Venturing unprepared into the mystical world of THC could land you in a delightful—yet confusing—session with a pack of gummy bears. Start slow, or you’re just one wayward edible from deciding that staring at the ceiling is a completely viable option for your weekend. Combine it with alcohol? Congratulations, now you’re competing with your buddy for the “Most Likely to Lose an Hour of Their Life.”

6. Condom Sense: Because You Can’t Return a Human!

Listen, folks; the only time you should feel like a clown is when you’re at a birthday party, not in bed. Condoms: Have them available just in case a friend needs them. Because this isn’t a movie where awkward encounters can be magically edited out. And just as a friendly reminder: consent is not a buffet you pick and choose from based on how much you drank.

7. Self-Care: Not Just for Yoga Moms!

If every minute of your Spring Break is jam-packed with beach volleyball and questionable decisions, please just stop! You’re not running for class president. Schedule time for you. Whether it’s journaling about your deep existential crisis or simply organizing your sock drawer, even the most chaotic of spring breaks deserve a sprinkle of self-love. And yes, walking your dog (or your friend’s cat, if you’re really that desperate) counts!

So there you go! Follow these totally doable tips exactly or dive headfirst into the next viral “oops” moment. Either way, remember to cherish the memory of you during a time of questionable choices—you’re going to need it when your therapist finally schedules that appointment!

SpringBreak #Survivor #NotASituationComedy

🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨

Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , studentlife.unl.edu (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).


We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥