The Seasonal Stoners’ Guide to Surviving the Holidays: “Danksgiving” Edition!
Tired of holiday family gatherings that feel more claustrophobic than a clown car? Worry not, because thankfully, Uncle Sam has finally let loose the hounds of cannabis relaxation! Yes, folks, if you’ve ever dreamed of substituting your traditional turkey with a side of THC-infused cranberry juice, now is your moment to shine! Celebrate the season of giving with a dash of holiday spirit and a sprinkle of your favorite ‘relaxation herb’—now legal in many states because, hey, nothing screams "merry" quite like a family reunion with a side of green!
Introducing CANN’s Cranberry Sage Spritzer: The 30-Calorie Holiday Sipper
Let’s talk CANN’s Cranberry Sage Spritzer—because drinking your way through the holidays should come with a fun label, right? At a mere 30 calories, this sassy canned delight contains 2mg of THC, 4mg of CBD, and promises to kick in faster than your cousin’s unsolicited marriage advice! Imagine this: You stride into Aunt Mildred’s living room with a can in hand, ready to impress both your health-conscious friends and your party-hardy pals. Just 15 minutes, and poof! You may find yourself offering unsolicited but completely profound insights on why gravy should be its own food group. How festive! Perfect for pouring into your fanciest glass and garnishing with a sprig of rosemary—because nothing says “I’m still classy” like a little greenery in your drink! All for the low, low price of just $66 per dozen. Merry (Canna)Christmas, indeed!
Mary & Jane’s Sunny Melts: Mints for the Most Misguided Microdosers
Next up, for those microdosing masochists among us: Mary & Jane’s Sunny Melts! Why not pop one of these little beauties after dinner, and really enhance your evening—if by “enhance” you mean getting so relaxed you temporarily forget what your first name is? Each mint contains just 1mg of hemp-derived THC—hardly enough to launch you into the stratosphere, but just enough to help you look at the world with the shaking awe of a toddler encountering cotton candy for the first time. At $35 for 30 mints, it’s the perfect excuse to snack and stretch your sanity to the limit!
Wims Pocket Tonic: For the Truly Inconvenienced
But wait, there’s more! Why bother making plans to un-glue yourself from the couch when you can spice up a boring drink with Wims Pocket Tonic? Each packet is like a tiny superhero for your mocktails, filled with a dazzling blend of THC and CBD—the kind of stuff that’ll have you whispering sweet nothings to your non-alcoholic cranberry juice in no time! Why go all out with fancy mixology when you stumble upon nano-emulsification technology that you can hardly pronounce? It’s like drinking science! At $32 for 10 packets, it’s practically a steal—especially when you accidentally ruin your Aunt Karen’s holiday punch.
Magnolia Bakery’s Cannabis-Inspired Chocolates: The Sweetest High
And because hitting the family dessert table is an unavoidable act of holiday warfare, feast your eyes on Magnolia Bakery’s cannabis-infused chocolates that will transform you into an active participant in the “I’m not sharing” club! Imagine sharing a Red Velvet bar, savored in secret on the couch, while everyone else fights over the last slice of dry fruitcake. Each bar has 10mg each of THC and CBD, designed to promote relaxation—as long as you don’t mind looking awfully blissful when Grandma asks you why you’re staring at the wall. Available for $18.50 per 100mg because who doesn’t want to reserve a portion of dessert for an unexpected body high?
Cornbread Hemp Gummies: For When You Want to Feel Fancy While Getting Lit
Finally, for those looking to indulge with a touch of sophistication, meet Cornbread Hemp Gummies! These aren’t your average gummies; these are organic, USDA-approved gems that might just make you feel like royalty while you munch on them. Each blueberry-flavored gummy is 10mg of THC goodness, and at $40 for 10, you can afford to show up at any holiday party looking bougie while simultaneously floating through the evening like a holiday fairy on an extended coffee break.
So there you have it! This holiday season, embrace the spirit of relaxation and cannabis-enhanced family gatherings, where the only tears will be from laughter (or maybe the sudden urge to reevaluate all life choices). Just remember: inhale the good vibes, exhale the family drama, and keep that stash tucked away until it’s time to really unwind. Happy Danksgiving! 🎉
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.forbes.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
0 Comments