BREAKING NEWS: USDA Declares Antibiotic-Resistant Salmonella the New Superfood! 🐔🚫💊
Once upon a time in a land where chicken nuggets reigned supreme, the world was hit with devastating news: Foster Farms Chicken has been caught in a scandal richer than a triple-breasted chicken sandwich topped with gourmet ketchup. Yes, folks, believe it or not, a group of 124 people has been stricken with the joy of antibiotic-resistant Salmonella Heidelberg—a magical bacterium that’s apparently a thing now! Who knew chicken could be that adventurous?
In an utterly shocking twist worthy of an award-winning thriller, the USDA’s Food Safety Inspection Services (FSIS) decided not to recall this feathered fiasco of chickeny chaos. Their reasoning? Well, it seems they’ve read the rules and decided that calamity only applies to ground meats, trim, and "non-intact" meat. So, if your chicken is whole or just slightly confused about its meat status, it’s a-okay! Imagine the bird flapping its wings defiantly amid swirls of Salmonella, shouting, “I am intact! Bring on the antibiotic resistance. I’ll have no recall, thank you very much!”
Here’s where it gets juicy: the FDA has a thrilling criteria for recalling food that’s more twisted than a spaghetti noodle at a 3-year-old’s birthday party. Per their books, a food item can be considered adulterated if it has any “poisonous, insanitary, or deleterious ingredients." But to the folks at FSIS, if your meat doesn’t fall in the magical circle of seven pathogens they recognize, congrats! You’re either good to go or just asking for a hospital visit.
So what does this meta-food safety saga teach us? If your chicken doesn’t look like it’s wrapped up in a bad romance involving E. coli varieties O157:H7, O26, O45, 0103, O111, O121, or O145, you’re in the clear. Pop that chicken on the grill! After all, what’s life without a little risk? Who wouldn’t want their dinner serviced with a side of potential hospitalization?
As for the FSIS’s motto of “waiting until people get sick” before they act? Let’s just say their slogan should be “A little Salmonella never hurt anyone… except about 124 people.” I guess the agency’s morale is: "Sh*t happens." Literally!
So while Foster Farms chickens have taken to the skies, quite literally flying with the airborne wonders of salmonella, the ever-hopeful, hardy chicken-loving public can just sit back, relax, and pray that the next fried chicken special includes a solid dose of food safety! 🌟 What an age we live in, folks! Who’s hungry?
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.marlerblog.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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