Breaking News: Senator Mistakes a Tragedy for a Shakespearean Comedy – "Shit Happens" Edition!
In a plot twist that even the writers of a soap opera would envy, Filipino Senator Ronald Dela Rosa has added a bold new chapter to his career: how to gracefully exit a PR disaster without a parachute! After a three-year-old girl named Kateleen Myca Ulpina was tragically killed in a botched police drug raid, Dela Rosa, who’s not exactly known for his Oscar-worthy script, quipped that “shit happens.” Oh yes, folks, clearly the Bard of Avon would have been proud.
Now, let’s set the stage: Dela Rosa, the former National Police Chief (because what could possibly go wrong there?), is a shining example of why asking politicians to comment on sensitive issues is like letting a toddler control a blender. But we digress! Last month, in his masterclass on how to be completely tone-deaf, his response to a shooting during a “war on drugs” was, and we’re quoting him here for maximum effect: “shit happens during operations.” Plot twist: he wasn’t talking about foul play in a local football game.
In a world where common sense seems to have taken its last flight to Bermuda, Dela Rosa later took to television to apologize. But not before fully demonstrating that “collateral damage” is apparently the political equivalent of saying, “Oops, my bad!” Can someone pass him a dictionary to look up “empathy”?
Rights groups, of course, were not thrilled about his quirky remark. They’ve ridden the emotional rollercoaster of Duterte’s brutal drug war since 2016 which, spoiler alert, has left a staggering body count rumored to be higher than a popular reality show contestant’s voter tally. Filipinos are left wondering if they accidentally tuned in to the "Real Housewives of the Police Force."
Dela Rosa’s follow-up act took the stage next, “A police officer would never want to shoot a child… but hey, ‘shit happens,’ right?” Yes, nothing says “We care about the future” quite like making a cavalier remark about a dead toddler. Bravo, Ronald! What’s next, a seminar on how to solve global warming by throwing ice cubes into the ocean?
As the clamor for accountability rises, the political arena transforms into a circus tent where the clowns keep juggling their mistakes, all while throwing popcorn at the audience. Dela Rosa says he plans to lead an investigation into the little girl’s death once he gets around to figuring out how to leave the spotlight without stepping on all the ongoing chaos he’s left behind.
In summary, dear readers, buckle up for more blunders from your favorite governmental rollercoaster. From absurd apologies to statements that would have even your pet rock facepalm, this saga is proving that in the Philippines, when in doubt, always throw in a dramatic nod to the “imperfection of life.”
Honestly, we couldn’t have scripted it better ourselves—and that’s saying something!
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.businessinsider.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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