From Prosecutor to Pot Peddler: The Incredible Tale of Will Flanagan’s Cosmopolitan Dreams!
Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round! We’ve got a real humdinger (that’s a word, right?) right here in the heart of Fall River, where former mayor and legal jack-of-all-trades, Will Flanagan, has decided to add a brand new title to his already overflowing resume: Marijuana Entrepreneur. That’s right, folks! Flanagan is here to heal the world—one overpriced brownie at a time!
After juggling roles as a prosecutor, defense attorney, and assistant corporation counsel (because who needs a day job when you can collect titles like Pokémon cards?), Flanagan has flipped the switch to becoming a full-time weed wizard by opening a new shop called Cosmopolitan Dispensary. I mean, honestly, did he sit in a room full of hipsters and brainstorm names? Because “Cosmopolitan” sounds more like the name of a trendy cocktail than a place to score some good vibes.
Now, let’s talk about the grand opening, which Flanagan touted as being “fun” (depending on your definition of "fun," it may involve an excessive amount of snacks and a sudden passion for David Bowie). He co-founded this delightful venture with two partners, Sunny Aroustamian and Gevorg Saribekyan—who incidentally sound like a couple of guys you’d invite to a game night but would end up engulfing all your chips, claiming they’ve got “good relationships with the growers” (hint: they don’t).
In true “let’s escape reality” fashion, Flanagan’s new cannabis haven occupies an ex-school building that’s been transformed into a psychedelic paradise—complete with “bright magenta and gray painted walls.” Yes! Because when I think of relaxing, mellow vibes, I definitely think of colors that sound like they came from an overambitious kindergarten art class.
Here’s the kicker: they hired 15 smiling staff members after interviewing, oh, just a casual 75 people. Who knew finding a budtender could be more competitive than getting into Harvard? “We wanted fun people,” Flanagan said. Well, buddy, that’s a bold strategy considering they’ll be selling cannabis to anyone brave enough to stroll through the doors. But hey, customer service is key, right? Who doesn’t want to be greeted by someone who looks high just from the excitement of working there?
Now, while most dispensaries opt for names like “Buds of Glory” or “Higher Ground,” Flanagan’s confident, “I just like the name.” Classic! Who needs thematic consistency when you could just roll the dice and pray the sign looks good above the front door?
Ever the planner, Flanagan reveals that the ultimate goal is to get into the manufacturing business. Yes, folks! That means if you’re dreaming of cannabis-infused ice cream, your dreams are about to become a reality—because who wouldn’t want to celebrate summer with an edible that’ll make you question your life choices along with your flavor choices?
But what’s that lurking in the shadows of this glorious new endeavor? Ah, yes, a complex backstory! Remember the friend with whom you went to school but who suddenly became the local nemesis? Flanagan and past Fall River Mayor Jasiel Correia’s relationship was a rollercoaster reminiscent of a soap opera! Once allies, they became enemies after Flanagan allegedly brandished a gun in a dramatic showdown. Don’t worry, it’s fine; Flanagan cleared things up with a polygraph test—the real MVP of the misunderstood!
So, when the smoke clears (pun totally intended), will Cosmopolitan Dispensary soar to new heights or flop harder than a bad reality show? With a colorful past, an eye-popping design, and ice cream on the menu, we’ll just have to wait and see if Will Flanagan truly becomes the “Walter White” of weed or if this was just an overblown pipe dream.
Either way, folks, grab your sunglasses and hit the road because the only thing more colorful than this dispensary is the cast of characters behind it! 🌿✨
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.heraldnews.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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