In a groundbreaking leap towards the future—or at least as far as a stoner’s snack run—some brilliant minds in Colorado have turned your average dispensary visit into an e-commerce extravaganza! Enter GreenDoor, the latest attempt to revolutionize marijuana shopping by solving the age-old dilemma: “How can I get high while still being too lazy to walk my legs to the store?”
Founded by the dynamic duo of Damon Brooks and Samantha Barela—who definitely didn’t come up with this idea while enjoying a “relaxing” puff—GreenDoor is positioned as the Amazon Prime of weed. You can now order delightful little boxes filled with all your favorite recreational items without ever leaving the comfort of your couch… or your best friend’s bean bag chair, because we all know you’ll forget to return it eventually.
The menu includes thrilling options like “Movie Lovers’ Box,” which caters to stoners who can’t remember what movies they’ve watched because, let’s face it, once you’re high, Netflix becomes an endless reel of confusion. This fancy box comes with an eighth of marijuana flower, pre-rolled joints, and a gaudy combination of artisanal snacks like truffle popcorn—because nothing says “I’m classy” quite like munching on corn while trying to avoid existential dread. For just $130 (because we all have $130 lying around), you can have this masterpiece delivered to your door, provided you steer clear of any delivery driver who’s contraindicated for that “real chill” vibe.
Of course, if that’s not your level of need, “Party-Ready Consumer Box” is also available for the fashionable price of $65. This delightful package contains 14 pre-rolls, beef jerky (because who doesn’t want to mix the highs with a side of protein?), sparklers for when your craving for danger kicks in, and a wireless speaker for blasting the “music” of the universe while attempting to convince your cat to join in on the fun. Because nothing says “party” like your neighbors calling the cops on what they think is a rave, but is really just your friends contemplating life choices!
Damon was further inspired to strip cannabis shopping of any hint of exercise after realizing that driving to a dispensary exceeds the cardio limits of even the most ambitious stoner. With GreenDoor, he’s achieved the marvel of ordering anything online without fear of judgment from a budtender who may be judging whether you should be slapped with a hefty “you’re so high right now” warning.
And in true capitalist spirit, they’re eager to swipe those credit card payments that dispensaries traditionally deny because, you know, they like to keep things “mysterious” like all that unsolicited advice from Aunt Linda at family gatherings.
But wait—these enterprising geniuses are not stopping there! If you thought an edible experience couldn’t get more extravagant, hold onto your flaps because Damon is reportedly whipping up a sensory pairing extravaganza priced at a cool $150! Imagine pairing your dabs with “glass pearls” made by local artists—because flaming glass while high is clearly what all the cool kids are doing in Colorado.
So buckle up, Colorado! GreenDoor is here to ensure that in the pursuit of the perfect high, you’ll never have to leave your home—or perhaps the couch. Because after all, who needs a workout when you can just eat snacks and bask in the glow of colorful lights like a disco ball on a budget? Fire up your devices, pop open some chips, and let’s hope humanity remembers how to walk again… someday.
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.readingeagle.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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