BREAKING: Legendary Drummer Discovers That Band Dynamics are Basically Like Family Arguments Over Who Gets the Last Slice of Pizza 🍕🥁
In a plot twist more shocking than finding out your beloved pet goldfish actually just wanted to be a dolphin, metal icon Dave Lombardo has realized that his time in the legendary band Slayer has been, let’s say, complicated. You’d think getting kicked out of a thrash metal band would come with explosions and flying doves, but no, it’s more akin to arguing with your sibling over who stole the cookie from the jar—except in this case, the cookie is a tremendously powerful rhythm section that makes you want to headbang into another dimension.
So, picture this: Lombardo, the drumming wizard, is kicking back on “The New York Hardcore Chronicles Live!”—a fancy-sounding show that sounds suspiciously like a school project gone rogue. After a few beats and a couple of snarky questions, Dave reflects on his suave exit from Slayer the way most people look back on that time they accidentally sent a text to the wrong person. “Ah, yes, the memories! Shit happens!” Lombardo mused as if he’s discussing his toddler’s crayon mishap rather than his tumultuous relationship with heavy metal royalty.
It’s clear he’s taking it all in stride, even saying, “You have disagreements. Families argue.” Uh, Dave, did you just take the band’s angst and reduce it to a simple Thanksgiving dinner? I can hear the Thanksgiving speeches now: “Let’s give thanks to the drummer who held it all together while we threw shade at each other for a decade!”
And speaking of throwing shade, let’s give it up for Slayer’s esteemed guitarist, Kerry King, who recently had a spicy take on Lombardo’s exit. Apparently, during a flight to Australia, where one might expect to discuss surfboards and shrimp on barbies, Lombardo opted for the approach of “airborne sabotage”—a.k.a. a tirade steering straight into the “throw Kerry under the bus” lane. King claimed he kept Lombardo in the band against the odds, like a dad telling his teenager they can’t get a puppy just because the last one ate the couch. Major dad vibes, right?
Meanwhile, Lombardo is apparently creating new bands like they’re circus acts auditioning for a talent show. “I’ve been very fortunate,” he said, which is wonderfully modest for a man who once made people feel like they were being hunted by metal goblins armed with drumsticks.
Despite the melodrama that would put any soap opera to shame, Lombardo has come through it all like a true metal phoenix, rising from the ashes while looking for more jam sessions to explode into like confetti at an underwhelming wedding. You know what they say—when one door closes, a brand new drum kit appears!
So, while Slayer may still be hashing it out like kids in a playground, Lombardo is swooping in to remind us all that sometimes it’s not about the slice you missed but about the band you still get to jam with. 🎸
Cheers to you, Dave! Just remember to keep your cookie jar sealed tight on those flights! 🍪✈️
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.metalsucks.net (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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