Oh No, the CTA Strikes Again! Survival Guide for the Brave!

Breaking News: CTA Commuters Brace for the "Holiday Splat-tacular!"

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the most wonderful time of the year! No, not Christmas, Hanukkah, or any other holiday that requires actual joy. We’re talking about the annual CTA Splat-tacular, where the weather gets colder and the unsanitary conditions reach a fever pitch! Grab your hazmat suits, folks; it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

Yes, as the temperatures drop and the holiday spirits rise (along with our tolerance for bodily fluids), prepare yourself to witness an increase in our beloved transit system’s most charming inhabitants: homeless folks seeking shelter, and party-goers stumbling home after more “festive” shenanigans than you can shake a stick at! This is the time of year when CTA buses, trains, and stations become something out of a surrealist painting—complete with unexpected splashes of… well, let’s just say its “unique” scent profile makes New Jersey’s landfills smell like lavender.

Feces Frenzy!
Have you been waiting to witness the ultimate "fight or flight" moment in public transit? Welcome to Feces Frenzy! With an astounding 1.6 million rides every day, spills and accidents happen as often as people forget to wear deodorant. CTA spokesperson, Irene Ferradaz, suggests instead of snapping a pic and going viral with your personal “poop-cam,” you might, I don’t know, notify an employee about any situations that require a mop and some industrial-strength bleach. Who knew?

Urine Trouble!
Ah, yes! Nothing screams "delightful commute" like settling into a pee-soaked seat after standing for ten minutes while that elderly man with the suspiciously wobbly bladder stands next to you. How charming! But fear not, as the well-trained cleaning staff conducts daily “cleans” (read: occasionally swabbing the deck) and deep-cleaning at the end of the day when everyone is asleep, dreaming of better decisions. Can’t you just smell the freshness?

You too can save the day! Just report that rogue urine fountain to the operator—because clearly, the only thing preventing “transit bliss” is that pesky “wrong place at the wrong time” conundrum.

Blood on Board!
The winter air is as dry as our sense of humor, and nosebleeds are just the beginning. If someone takes a tumble and, gasp, bleeds on our glorious rail car—don’t panic! Sure, it’s considered a biohazard, but there’s no need to become "that person" who freaks out. Just channel your inner detail-obsessed Sherlock Holmes, note the time, date, and vehicle number, and notify the CTA staff. They thrive on that kind of enthusiasm!

Vomit: The Morning-After Special
Whether it’s a bad burrito or the fifth cocktail that left its mark, if you witness a human waterfall of regret on a bus or train, just breathe, and maybe offer a napkin. Nothing says “you’ve lived your best life” like cleaning someone else’s lunch off the floor. Your CTA doesn’t let that type of mess ruin their day. A little vomit here, a DeLorean time travel aside, and who knows? Cleanliness is next to godliness.

Buggin’ Out!
Finally, a bed bug scare on the CTA? Oh, darling, welcome to the Fashionable Infestation! If you ever thought about taking a seat on a row of Red Line seats but got distracted by a mass exodus of critters, you’re not alone. Thankfully, the CTA acts swiftly when alerted! Because nothing says “we care” like keeping you in the loop on pest control treatments while risking a nightmarish horror movie experience.

So remember, fellow commuters, your eyeballs are the canaries in this public-transit coal mine. If you don’t want to treat your next ride as a real-life survival horror game, speak up! CTA’s cleaning crew just wants your help to keep the unsanitary circus to a minimum. And always remember to wash your hands! After all, your hygiene shouldn’t hinge on whether you survived the great “Holiday Splat-tacular.”

Stay vigilant, clean, and good luck out there!

Disclaimer Alert!

Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.chicagotribune.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).


We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed.