Breaking News: Local Farmer Discovers He’s Also a Magnificent Cow Midwife – Minus the “Mid” Part!
In today’s episode of “What’s That Smell? Oh, It’s Just Life on the Farm,” our amateur bovine obstetrician faced another thrilling round of “Guess Who’s Not Gonna Make It!” This time, our star performer—a cavalier calf—exited the womb stage left before the curtain call. Spoiler alert: it was a drama-free tragedy.
Our intrepid farmer, who for the sake of anonymity we’ll totally call “Farmer Fred,” has been playing the cattle game for over a decade, racking up victory after victory. But just like the rest of life, there are moments that make you question all your decisions, like wondering if you accidentally stepped into a sequel to Final Destination when you find yourself pulling a dead calf out of a cow. Sure, that’s not in the brochure for farming, but apparently it’s “just part of the job,” right?
In case you missed the thrilling prologue: Farmer Fred spotted a cow in distress during the evening cattle shuffle, showcasing all the tell-tale signs of impending labor—mucus and a tail that had clearly given up on life. So, naturally, he thought, “Surely, this time it’ll be totes fine!” Spoiler: it wasn’t fine.
Upon the joyous morning unveiling, Farmer Fred faced the tragic sight of two hooves sticking out and a tongue flopping around like it was in a rural remake of The Exorcist. And just like that, his dreams of cow calisthenics came crashing down. “Damn, this sucks,” he echoed the universal sentiment while burying all hopes of a cute little calf playing with the grass.
He then went into full “What went wrong?” mode. Listen, folks, if you want to feel the weight of responsibility squishing your soul, try raising livestock. It’s like being the main character in Cowboy Parenthood, where the stakes are high, and parenting skills are put to the ultimate test. Not to mention the momma cow who needs to recover from a full night of labor without even a squirmy assistant to help the process (thanks, Mr. Calf!).
As he prepared for the epic feat of pulling a calf—because clearly, who needs a vet in these parts?—he humorously gathered his arsenal: a rope and stamina. WHO NEEDS ADDITIONAL HELP WHEN YOU HAVE WILLPOWER AND THE STRENGTH OF A LACTOSE-INTOLERANT LION?!
With an inexperienced sidekick at his side—I mean, if you’re gonna have an assistant for a crisis, might as well make it a rookie—Farmer Fred bravely tackled the terrain, rife with mud and the kind of chaos only found in a semi-professional oxtail soup production. The rookie’s future was hanging in the balance; would they cry in horror or resign gracefully from life on the farm? It could go either way!
As they both fished the unfortunate calf out of the wet, muddy mess—probably wishing they were binge-watching reality TV instead—Farmer Fred took a moment for a debrief. “You good?” he asked, semi-hoping for the answer to be a cheerful “Yay, let’s do this again!” because that seems to be the popular choice for those looking for a career in ranching.
The momma cow will recover, and she’ll probably moo mournfully for the offspring that never made it to the livestock playdate. But hey, that’s just another Tuesday in the life of Farmer Fred and his farm of misfit cows. Time to spray off the mud, maybe shed a tear or two, and move on quickly like it was just an average day of “Who’s That Weird Smell?”—the ranch edition.
So, let us all raise a glass (of fresh milk, of course) to Farmer Fred for managing to pull off the ultimate de-brief. Here’s to life, death, and everything in between—just another adventure in the wildly unpredictable world of raising cattle! 🎉🥛🐄
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , substack.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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