Cannabis Soda: The New Nectar of the Gods or Just a Trendy Trap?
Hold onto your kombucha, folks! Last summer, in a bold move to cut down on drinking after discovering that wine does NOT count as a food group (who knew?), our fearless hero—the one and only—decided to do what any reasonable adult would do: she bought a case of cannabis soda online. That’s right, folks! Because nothing screams “I’m taking control of my life!” quite like a beverage that combines blood-orange, cardamom, and what the cool kids call THC. And let’s throw in 15 milligrams of CBD because why not? We’re going for the full ‘sipping sunshine on a tropical beach’ vibe here!
This fabulous concoction—dubbed “Lo Boy” by the ever-innovative Cann—was her go-to replacement for a glass of wine while cooking. And since she’s in her 30s, each moderate sip transported her to “The Mildest Euphoria Land,” which is the scenic route to feeling slightly buzzed—akin to what you’d feel after half a glass of wine, probably while skimming through a Pinterest board titled “Stress-Free Living.”
Who needs robust laughter when you can have quality shrugs of acceptance? But alas, these uplifting feelings fade faster than a Snapchat message from your ex, leaving our protagonist wondering if she actually felt anything or just daydreamed it between the chopping of onions.
Soon, her social media took a sharp turn down the rabbit hole of irrelevance, presenting ads as though the algorithm suddenly thought she was the Mayor of Stoner Town, USA. “Buy more cannabis soda!” proclaimed Cycling Frog, complete with a green frog on wheels that was so hip it could probably give you life advice on gluten-free diets. Then, just when she thought it couldn’t get any more ridiculous, along waltzed “Mary & Jane.” This duo proposed a product named “Sunny” and actually asked: “What’s the microdose product that you and your book club have been taking?!”
Gee, Mary and Jane, let’s unpack that. Because I’m just dying to know what my book club thinks of deep dives into the minutiae of ‘The Great Gatsby’ after a swig of ‘Chill is a State of Mind’ gummy bear.
The brands started sounding like they were pulling their product names from a hipster’s thesaurus. You’ve got Rose Los Angeles selling lychee-martini gummies with “Italian nipple lemon” (because apparently, that’s a thing now), endorsed by comedian Kate Berlant, who probably deserves some kind of medal for brave marketing.
Each brand successfully taps into the essence of "wellness"—a word that sells like hotcakes in a yoga studio. Cycling Frog insists on a “healthier buzz,” which probably means it’s better for you than the last time you binge-watched The Office with a bottle of Merlot. And then, of course, there’s Erth Wellness, which just sounds like the last name of an overly enthusiastic yoga instructor who leads classes titled “Zen and the Art of Fruit Platter Aesthetics.”
Ah, yes, the packaging! These cans and gummies are so aesthetically pleasing, they might just cure your soul! One brand even decided its gummies must be surrounded by artsy arrangements of almonds and blackberries, as if to say, “Look, I’m healthy, I swear! I’m basically a smoothie!” The color palette is so calming you might as well replace your wall paint with it—but make sure you don’t accidentally end up at a fruit-themed rave instead.
So, here we are, in the brave new world of cannabis drinks that twirl between the realms of ‘socially responsible’ and ‘quirky lifestyle.’ Who needs self-control when you can sip on the hopes and dreams of the millennial “wellness” movement? Just remember, if you take a trip to Mild Euphoria Land, don’t forget to pack your Instagram filter and some advice on how to handle those book club disasters. Cheers! 🍹✨
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.nytimes.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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