Breaking News: Biden to Marijuana After All: “Maybe It’s Time to Lighten Up?”
In the grand spectacle of President Biden’s State of the Union address last Thursday—a stage more dramatic than a soap opera finale—our noble commander-in-chief finally mustered the courage to mention an issue close to the hearts of many: marijuana. Yes, you heard that right! The President, who has previously treated weed like an awkward uncle at an awkward family reunion—avoiding it at all costs—has finally tiptoed onto the green grass of cannabis legislation.
Picture this: Biden, elevating his arm as if he’s about to throw the ultimate birthday party for marijuana, declared, “I’m directing my cabinet to review the federal classification of marijuana!” One can almost hear the collective gasp of delight from stoner couch cushions across the nation. It’s as if he just announced he’d be giving away free pizza and puppies at the White House!
But here’s the kicker—despite this monumental announcement, federal law still hilariously groups cannabis in the same ‘dangerous’ league as heroin and LSD. Apparently, the person who decided these classifications was either high or just never attended a college party. Considering the President’s very conservative past on the matter, this sudden change of heart is as surprising as finding out your grandma has a TikTok account.
And while Biden rummages through his past campaign promises like a college student looking for clean laundry, he casually mentions that he’s “thinking” about expunging a few thousand convictions for marijuana possession. Can you imagine? “Hey, you there, with the weed charge! Guess what? You’re free to go. You can finally hit the outdoors again and live that ‘I’m not a criminal’ life!” Just think of the high fives that must have resonated in the east wing!
Now, as President Biden prepares for a re-election campaign, he’s realized that the 70% of Americans in favor of cannabis legalization might be worth appealing to—especially since they’re probably all at home lighting up and munching on snacks while watching his every move. Talk about a captive audience!
Yet, despite this revelation, let’s not break out the party favors just yet. No one is quite sure if the president will actually dash out and start handing out joints like he’s the world’s clumsiest Santa Claus. Surely, he’ll proceed with caution—maybe even conducting some research with a focus group comprised of friendly neighborhood stoners.
As the nation waits to see if this is the moment cannabis finally gets its fair shake—or at least a much lighter sentence—stay tuned for further updates on the most epic coming-of-age story in White House history. With any luck, we’ll all gather one day in jubilant celebration, applauding President Biden as he waves a joint around like a victory flag.
Until then, let’s grab our popcorn and watch this saga unfold. After all, in a nation built on freedom, a little greenery never hurt anybody… unless it’s the kind you stumble upon in a long-lost garden, but that’s for a different debate!
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.nytimes.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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