Breaking News: Stoners Discover High Sex Is, Like, Total Goals!
Brace yourselves, folks! In what experts are calling the most shocking discovery since someone accidentally stumbled upon dipping fries into milkshakes, it turns out that smoking weed can somehow supercharge your sex life. Yes, you read that right—turns out being pleasantly stoned and engaging in horizontal tango is indeed a thing! It’s as if scientists just unlocked the ultimate cheat code to life, and let me tell you, the world is collectively throwing its hands up in a stoned "Whoa, dude."
Leading this weird crusade into the cannabis bedroom is none other than Dr. Michael Eisenberg, who, with the tenacity of a caffeinated squirrel, sifted through a mountain of data from the National Survey of Family Growth. After witnessing more awkward bedfellow situations than he could count, the guy decided that it was high time to take a serious look at sex and weed. Spoiler alert: he found that if you toke it up, you might very well do the “nasty” better. Congratulations, humanity, we did it—the scientific community is now officially about 75% stoners. Clink clink!
In what can only be described as a breakthrough that puts “never eat yellow snow” to shame, a previous survey by Psychology Today revealed that most folks enjoy doing the deed on a weed high, while a small minority apparently prefers a side of “sleepy-sleep” with their intimate encounters. Sounds about right—every group of friends has that one person who just wants to stare at the wall instead of getting it on. (We love you, Kevin.)
And then there’s Jeff Dillon, who cotton-candy-sweetened the adult film industry by founding Xblaze, the world’s first 420-friendly porn studio. This dude is, like, the hero we didn’t know we needed. According to him, smoking before sex makes everything feel like a full-body fireworks display! Who doesn’t want to join hands with their partner in a delicate balance of awkwardness, giggling, and irresistible munchies?
But wait—before you rush to the back porch with your partner, let’s get real about that high sex gameplan. Picking the right strain of weed is critical. Think of it like ordering food at a fancy restaurant—one wrong choice will leave you staring at your plate while your date awkwardly pokes at their food. Some strains make you a giggling mess while others transform you into a passionate lover. PSA: Don’t experiment the night of the big event—you don’t want to be the guy who is too high to remember what to do next.
Let’s talk lube. “Cotton mouth” isn’t JUST a problem for your tongue. It turns out poor “cotton vagina” is a very real condition, threatening to turn your romantic evening into a rough patch. So, grab that lube like it’s Golden Ticket day and remember: dryness is best left to deserts and not your bedroom escapades.
And speaking of creativity—oh boy, pack your imagination! Consider throwing some jazz into the mix for an extra dose of “artistic expression.” Your partner may appreciate your new "Bongo Mary" move, or they might politely wish you stuck to the usual moves. But hey, either way, at least someone in the room won’t be cutting it off while you try the latest TikTok positions.
However, if you’re eyeing those delightful edibles, remember—they’re like a surprise party for your body (cue tears of joy or total confusion)! Start small, because no one wants to end up blacked out and googling “how to cook a frozen pizza” while their partner is wondering what went wrong.
So, to all the lovebirds out there, as you roll into a romantic rendezvous, remember: Less is more. Seek high pleasure without completely forgetting your partner’s name or starting a philosophical debate about the true meaning of life. Save the legendary weed coma for when you’re safely binge-watching SpongeBob later, and keep the fireworks for the bedroom.
Now go forth, and may the high odds be ever in your favor. 🌿✨
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.fatherly.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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