Headline: Duterte and His Failing Death Squad: A Hilarious Dive Into Criminal Masterminding Gone Wrong!
Once upon a time in the fantastical land of the Philippines, our former president Rodrigo Duterte decided to stage his very own reality show, Survivor: The Death Squad Edition. In this nail-biting yet utterly bewildering saga, he confessed during a Senate drug war probe that he had a “death squad” filled with “gangsters”—because why not let the criminals do the dirty work when you can have a twisted little family reunion?
Senator Ronald "Bato" dela Rosa, the unwavering sidekick in this grand adventure, morphed into a real-life Gandalf and calmly acknowledged, “Well, that could totally get used against him.” Thanks for the detective skills, Batman! It seems the plot twist of the century is that admitting to crimes while under oath might be somewhat of a tactical error. Who would’ve thought?
Under the bright lights of the Senate, Duterte expressed his confusion at the lack of formal charges against him. "Why hasn’t the Department of Justice filed a case against me for all those people I allegedly had ‘encouraged’ police to resist?” he wondered, scratching his head like he just solved a Rubik’s Cube. Clearly, for our dear Duterte, using a “death squad” and inciting chaos was just another Tuesday!
Meanwhile, Dela Rosa assured the critics he was no adviser to a rogue king. “Duterte is a big boy who can speak for himself!” Yep, sure he can—just like a toddler wielding a crayon on a white wall. The charm! After six tumultuous years as president, why would we ever expect him to, you know, tone it down or think before he speaks?
Joining this circus act was the aforementioned "shit happens" comment, which Dela Rosa clarified was only about the incident where, shockingly, a three-year-old was shot dead during a police operation. Because sometimes, when playing cops and robbers, you just have to accept the “oops, my bad!” mentality. Apparently, in the twisted logic of our senators, these things are just unfortunate side effects of good old-fashioned police work!
As it turns out, around 6,000 souls might be taking an early dirt nap thanks to this protect and serve philosophy, although human rights groups point out that the real number might be closer to 30,000. But really, it’s just a math problem! Who knew death tolls could be so flexible? So many numbers, so many excuses. Dela Rosa even defended himself by questioning the “bloated data,” possibly mistaking it for a hot air balloon festival.
And let’s not forget Dela Rosa’s passionate vow to “seek the truth” while twirling a mustache that doesn’t quite exist just yet. “It would be a great disservice if I let lies prevail,” he declared, clearly undeterred by the apparent irony of his own words, all while sustaining this real-life comedy sketch.
Stay tuned, folks! This political reality show just keeps unfolding, and let’s be real, nothing says “2016 presidential campaign” like armed gangsters and panic-inducing admissions! At this rate, we might need to stock up on popcorn—and a decent lawyer!
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.gmanetwork.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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