Breaking News: Colorado Ski Resort Sets Groundbreaking New Policy: No Smoking Weed—Because Who Even Thinks That’s Okay?!
Arapahoe Basin, CO – In an astonishingly bold move that’s likely to shock the universe—the same universe that houses a million “How to be a responsible adult” webinars—A-Basin has released a marijuana policy that promises to have you gripping your chair in disbelief! Spoiler alert: it turns out that smoking weed on the slushy slopes is still, you know, illegal. Who would’ve thought?
This week, the mountain announced that they’d be opening soon, unless the universe conspires to bring them yet another avalanche of chaos. But hold onto your ski poles—because after an epic 12 inches of fresh snow (not a euphemism for something suspicious) in three days, they’re rolling out the snow-making machine like a kid with a new toy. At this rate, the resort might just turn into a snow empire, minus the smoky haze.
But let’s talk about what really matters: Alan Henceroth, the COO (Chief of Occasionally Outrageous) of A-Basin, has taken it upon himself to become the world’s least effective marijuana enforcement officer. He confidently announced, “For good or bad, Colorado smells like rebellion, and we’re here to remind you that the great outdoors is for skiing, not for puffing under the sun!” Well, Alan, that’s indeed groundbreaking! Who needs to inhale that sweet mountain air when you could be sucking down cold, hard reality?
In an interview that surely will go down in infamy, Alan bravely confessed to kicking out unwelcome guests and confiscating their ski passes faster than you can say “weed whacker.” This guy is like the superhero of sober skiing, single-handedly fighting the epidemic of joy on the slopes. Watch out, criminals of Colorado; your reign of terror is OVER (as long as you steer clear of the slopes with a joint in hand)!
And if you think that skiers aren’t taking this policy as seriously as they should, you’d be correct! A-Basin is famously known as the ultimate party playground (party hats and confetti cannons not included). Who knew that shredding down snowy hills and puff-puff-passing could be intertwined like two best friends in a buddy cop movie? The reality is that many top-tier skiers are probably using weed daily. Shocking, I know!
So if you are planning a romantic evening with a carton of overpriced nachos and a blunt in your pocket while carving through Colorado’s fluffy snow, you might just end up being the star of A-Basin’s “Criminal Mastermind Fails” YouTube series. Alan will be there, camcorder in hand, ready to make both your date and your ski pass disappear.
In conclusion, if you’re looking to get high—on life and fresh powder—Arapahoe Basin lays down the law: jeans, goggles, and heavily padded gear are encouraged, while weed and the feeling of fun are strictly forbidden. Good luck coloring in the lines, thrill-seekers! Welcome to the snow-swaddled party where the only thing you’re allowed to smoke is disappointment!
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , snowbrains.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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