Breaking News: Local Artist Attempts Life Change by Painting Kitchen Door, Finds Life Undefined and Awkward
Berkeley, CA—In what can only be described as the most dramatic attempt at a mid-life crisis since someone bought a sports car, local artist Jane Doe has reportedly spent an entire week focusing her creative energies on a door. Yes, that door—the groaning barrier between her kitchen and her home office, held ajar like it’s living in a perpetual state of existential crisis.
Feeling a deep sense of ennui akin to watching paint dry, Doe declared, “If I paint this door every day for seven days, surely I will unlock the secrets of the universe. Or at least unlock my creativity.” Spoiler alert: neither occurred.
While most people spend their weekends binge-watching reruns of The Office or scrolling through TikTok in a quest for enlightenment, Jane channeled her inner Bob Ross to document the “life-changing” experience of painting a door held ajar. “It was therapeutic,” she reported, trying to convince herself that splashing white paint onto a canvas somehow was going to reverse fifty shades of blah. “To me, this door represents the threshold of possibility! Or is it just a doorway? Who can say?”
Adding a pinch of theatricality, she admits, “I hoped this exercise would change my life.” So, like a modern-day Picasso with little understanding of perspective, it appears she was a little misled. One can only imagine the coworkers at the local mental health clinic seeing her passion project filled with an array of shimmering whites and discussing it over coffee and donuts with phrases like, “This screams ‘self-discovery’” or “What does it really mean that it’s ajar?”
Things took an even wilder twist when Jane decided to grace an art gallery with her presence, specifically Amy Sillman’s show “To Be Other-Wise.” Sillman, an artist known for her “awkward” style (Jane now knows all about awkwardness herself, thanks to her week-long obsession), apparently boldly declares, “attractiveness is the enemy.” Interesting choice! Clearly, she has never seen Doe’s glorified door.
Amid this artistic pilgrimage, Jane found herself grappling with heavyweight themes in Sillman’s Faux Pas (the title is spot-on for anyone struggling to express their artistic vision, am I right?). In awe, she recalls Sillman’s absurdly poignant take on awkwardness, remarking, “Awkwardness is what I would give this quality, this thing that is both familiar and unfamiliar.” Clearly, Jane’s door was both familiar and utterly irrelevant!
Not one to hold her tongue, Sillman had the audacity to suggest that, “The real, like the body, is embarrassing.” Well, someone’s flinging metaphors like confetti at a party! Ironically, while Sillman dismisses beauty, Jane’s door—though not captivating by any stretch—certainly could not be described as awkward. Which begs the question: if art is just a reflection of your awkwardness, then is spending a week obsessing over a door considered “avant-garde” or downright bizarre?
As the sweltering summer heat settled in, Jane, yearning for something—anything—besides stark white doors, reported shifting her artistic gaze to New England’s vibrant fall colors despite residing on the balmy, sunny coast of California. In classic artist fashion, she’s apparently abandoned the warmth of the sun for the glories of transition, all while stuck on a treadmill watching perpetual ocean screeches as she jogged, desperate to escape her indoor reality.
Ultimately, the door remained a door, and Jane’s mystical quest for enlightenment culminated in an explosion of paint disappointment—proof that when chasing abstract ideas, one can easily find themselves tripping over real ones. If only running through life were as seamless as jogging your memory of your glorious coastal views! But hey, at least her kitchen door got a week of fame.
Stay tuned for more dispatches from the world of artists fighting the mundane through deeply questionable methods—who needs therapy when you’ve got art?
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , substack.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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