Breaking News: The Great Stoned Uprising of 2021
In a revelation that will shock precisely no one who remembers the year 2021 – the era when everyone turned their living rooms into makeshift Day Spa For The Chronically Stressed – new survey data has confirmed that young adults have reached an all-time high in their love affair with marijuana and hallucinogens. That’s right, folks! While we were busy becoming expert couch potatoes, our beloved youth were leveling up their mind-bending experiences like they were in a video game titled, "How High Can You Get Without Leaving the House?"
According to the government-sponsored "Let’s Sometimes Check if Our Youth Are Okay" survey, a staggering 43% of adults aged 19-30 reported using cannabis in the last year. That’s a jump from a mere 34% in 2016—nearly as impressive as a cat landing on its feet!
And if you think that’s enough to light up the party, now they’re washing it down with THC-infused alcoholic beverages because, clearly, plain vodka and soda was so last year. You’ve got to love this trend; it’s like mixing your orange juice with a side of existential dread. Cheers to that!
But let’s also celebrate the bright side of this psychedelic rollercoaster! Cigarette smoking among young adults has nosedived, proving that kids these days would much rather take a blast of THC than inhale the harsh reality of filtered tobacco – hooray for silver linings! Opioid abuse is down too, probably because young adults are too busy trying to find themselves on a magic carpet ride of psychedelic bliss.
Dr. Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, appeared to be mildly concerned about these findings. “What they tell us is that the problem of substance abuse among young people has gotten worse in this country,” she said, not at all in a tone reminiscent of someone trying to convince a teenager to put down their dab pens. You can almost hear her whispering, “Please, kids, I love your creativity but let’s not turn the planet into a giant trampoline full of hallucinations.”
So what’s the latest plot twist in this epic saga? It turns out the pandemic brought along some serious mental health challenges as a parting gift, leading our youth to pick up their trusty joint like a knight would their sword in a time of dragon battles. However, while many are trying to calm the storm inside, it seems some just prefer to float in the clouds with their favorite strain.
At this point, the headline should honestly read: “Young Adults Discover New Ways to Cope with Existential Dread—Scientists Discover THC!” Future archaeologists will find this era’s artifacts and wonder if we were experimenting with psychedelic substances or just trying to avoid cleaning the house.
So here we are, on the brink of what feels like the most relaxed apocalypse imaginable. As we savor our THC-infused drinks and highway of endless munchies, let’s just take a moment to remember: passing the Dutchie might be great for relaxation, but does it come with a manual for life skills? Tune in next week when we explore whether anyone has actually ever figured out how to adult in this delightfully chaotic world!
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.nytimes.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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