Breaking News: Philadelphia Crowned the Kingdom of “Kinda Amazing!” in 2018’s Best of Philly Awards! 🎉
Grab your party hats and roll out the red carpet because it’s that magical time of year again: the “Best of Philly” awards are back and they’re shinier than a new dumpster in a gentrified neighborhood. Yes, folks, this glorious annual brochure of awesomeness will guide you through the top-notch establishments doing God’s work in the City of Brotherly Love, courtesy of people who firmly believe that pineapple on pizza is a culinary masterpiece. 🍍🍕
So, without further ado, let’s dive into the most prestigious awards this side of your mother’s kitchen! (Trust us, she has a trophy for the “Best Mac and Cheese” from your last family gathering that she still won’t let you forget.)
BEST HIGH FUN: Jennifer Zavala Catering
Yes, you read that right! Ever dreamt of dining with a Top Chef who walked off the set to deliver you a meal infused with medical-grade marijuana? Who knew culinary brilliance would come with a side of giggles? Jennifer Zavala, a culinary magician infamous for her illegal South Philly tamale truck shenanigans, will waltz into your home and serve up deliciously absurd munchies just right for a sick friend or for you—because let’s be honest, we all need a little help in “finding ourselves” when Netflix beckons. Just don’t ask for extra toppings unless you want to spend the night debating the meaning of life while confirming how unbelievably awesome your lunch combo was. 🤷♂️💨
BEST DRAG SHOW: Bob & Barbara’s Lounge
Ditch those fancy Broadway tickets because the longest-running drag show in Philly is still reigning supreme! Every Thursday night at Bob & Barbara’s, Miss Lisa Lisa and her star-studded rotating cast of divas are ready to serve you pure fabulousness for just $8. And honey, $8 is perfect for that “I’m definitely not going to regret this by 2 AM” kind of night! 💃💰
BEST THEATER SUBSCRIPTION: The Wilma Theater
Ladies and gentlemen, if you’ve ever thought, “I wish Shakespeare had a bigger budget and were influenced by post-apocalyptic scenarios from The Simpsons,” have we got a show for you! Yup, The Wilma Theater is crafting the next best thing to a night spent questioning all your life choices while desperately hoping for the intermission. With creative genius Blanka Zizka at the helm, you’ll leave wondering if you’re still in Philly or suddenly transported to an alternate universe. 🎭🍿
BEST BOARD-GAME NIGHT: Thirsty Dice Pop-Ups
Good news for all you board game aficionados who’ve been dreaming of competitive Scrabble while getting tipsy—Thirsty Dice is on its way to becoming Philly’s first board-game café! Until then, catch them popping up at various bars. You can finally settle that long-standing feud over Monopoly but… just try to avoid yelling, “I’m never playing with you again!” after the third round of “Shoots and Ladders.” 🎲🍻
BEST WAY TO SEE BIG ACTS UP CLOSE: Borgata’s Event Center
Want to elbow past sweaty concert-goers to see Britney, Barry, and even Sting and Shaggy live from under a thousand glittery disco balls? The Borgata’s got you covered with a “cozy” 2,400 seats! Sure, it’s intimate, but remember: you’ll spend half the time debating with your friend whether Cher’s ‘Believe’ is more iconic than anything else played today. Good luck fighting the urge to dance like no one’s watching… you’re surrounded by eager fans who WILL judge you. 🎤✨
And just like that, Philadelphia stands proudly as the reigning monarch of majestic mediocrity, all while giving you that heartwarming “We’re trying our best” vibe! So, get out there, partake in the delicious madness, and remember, if anyone asks, “What’s your favorite thing about Philly?” just say “Everything!” while internally questioning your life choices. Let’s go, Philly! 🥳✨
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.phillymag.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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