Title: “George R.R. Martin Officially Champions the Art of Forgetting and Upsetting Fans with Deaths”
In an absolutely shocking twist reminiscent of a Netflix rom-com going horror, Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin has revealed he might just be the worst long-term memory champion since your Aunt Edna forgot your birthday… again! Our man George has been munching popcorn on the couch while watching his beloved show, and lo and behold, he discovered that he’s authored a little something called the Red Wedding. You know, that low-key family gathering where everyone gets stabbed like it’s a mismanaged barbecue? Classic Martin!
Picture this: George, the wise sage of Westeros, lounges on his couch, practicing his best impression of a shocked goldfish. He admits he totally had zero recollection of three main characters being slaughtered at a wedding—which is almost as shocking as learning your cat has secretly been plotting your demise. “Oh, right! I forgot that I wrote that,” he exclaims, like a bewildered parent who just found a half-eaten cupcake under the couch from last month’s birthday party.
Let’s break this down: George went in thinking he’d just see a heartwarming family reunion, maybe a pint of ale and some dude’s head rolling on the floor. But nah! That would be too easy! His brain apparently decided to take a vacation, leaving him with flashbacks of the carnage unfolding as if it were a “Survivor” episode gone awry. Each death was like a birthday candle blown out before you could even blow up the balloons. “I hit the jackpot on bad timing!” he mumbles to his wife, who reportedly responded with a sigh that could fuel a thousand memes.
And who can blame him? The Red Wedding wasn’t just a plot twist—it was a plot power-bomb! One minute you’re rooting for the Starks, the next, your heart’s being stomped on like a rogue Lannister’s boot. George half remembers writing it, possibly under the influence of too much caffeine and the vague notion that people like getting emotionally wrecked with their popcorn. Cue the sad trombone music!
Seriously, though, he thought this season would end with a poetic family reunion? Nah, buddy. Instead, we’re treated to a gory spectacle that’s less “Happily Ever After” and more “Oh My God, Why?!” as Catelyn Stark’s neck is sliced open and the whole Stark fam turns into an owners’ manual for body-bag production!
And it gets better! As George reflects on his characters’ gruesome fates, he laments: “You can’t get too attached to any of my people,” which is like saying, "You’re not going to win the lottery every week!" Little did he know that his “surprise” deaths have left viewers reeling more than a toddler after a sugar rush.
Admitting his lack of script-reading commitment—because, you know, spoilers!—George’s conclusion to this somber comedy of errors is truly a tear-jerking affair. He prays that Tyrion Lannister, the show’s only ray of sarcasm and wit, doesn’t meet his end in the next episode because if his favorite little imp bites the dust, well, folks, he’s throwing in the towel.
So here’s to George R.R. Martin, the king of epic fantasy and celluloid amnesia! Will he remember to write a happy ending? Who knows? Tune in next week—if we all don’t just cry into our pillowcases first!
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , theonion.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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