Breaking News: Famous Poet Charles Bukowski’s Posthumous Poetry Gets “Revamped” by Editor with Less Taste Than a Day-Old Hotdog!
In a shocking twist more shocking than the espresso your barista forgot to make, it turns out that editing poetry isn’t just for boring literature folks; it’s also for those of us with the sensitivity of a rhinoceros on roller skates! Enter Abel Debritto, our new editor-turned-overzealous-makeover-artist, who has taken poetic license to a whole new level by revamping the works of the legendary Charles Bukowski.
Now, for those of you wondering, "What’s a Bukowski?"—he’s that rough-around-the-edges poet with more charm than a three-legged dog at a petting zoo and a penchant for brutal honesty. If you’ve ever wanted to read something that makes you feel like you’re at a barbecue where the ribs went awry, Bukowski’s your guy!
But it gets better! Out of the 23 poetry collections that Bukowski’s editor, John Martin, put together— 6 of which remind us what life is like when one doesn’t copy a phrase straight out of a toddler’s coloring book— 11 were published when the poet was still breathing air and 12 posthumously. Spoiler alert: That last group apparently went through more editing than a fast-food menu item.
These surprisingly useful tweaks lead to the glorious conclusion that the new collections feature almost 1,600 poems where Bukowski’s original beauty has gone poof, like a magician’s assistant who forgot to leave a tip.
Imagine chefs reimagining a classic dish—sure, fleeking the ‘fries’ into ‘how-to-help-you-get-a-three-star-rating-on-Yelp’ would be entertaining(-ish), but nobody ordered a side of reluctant! Turns out, our dear editor might have flipped through The Thesaurus of Mediocrity to shape up these gems, because let me tell you, Bukowski never met a “reluctantly” he liked. I’d say he liked it like cats like water—absolutely not!
In an emotional and heart-wrenching comparison that would make you weep in despair, Bukowski’s original works are like freshly-baked artisanal bread, while the new versions are reminiscent of two-week-old packaged sandwich buns. Which is shocking because why add a slice of “reluctant” when the poet’s soup was already boiling with raw emotion?
Let’s take a moment to reflect on the poem “right rear,” which went from “this sounds cool” in January 1993, to “oops, I broke it” as “born again” in 2003. Spoiler alert: The poetic treasure trove of Bukowski’s genius was heavily edited, with entire stanzas pulled faster than a magician’s disappearing act.
So buckle up, readers! The changes turn Bukowski’s masterpieces into something that looks suspiciously like a Mad Libs version of his original work! It’s as if someone glued together bad Instagram captions from a 12-year-old trying too hard, desperately avoiding any mention of Bukowski’s hardcore reputation for wisdom born from a life of whiskey, writing, and unabashed smut!
The conspiracy thickens, as Debritto claims that the changes weren’t made by the illustrious Bukowski himself. Oh, shocker—an editor took it upon themselves to redesign an entire poet’s legacy like a Pinterest project gone rogue! For those wondering, the secret editing squad at Black Sparrow Press would roll their eyes and shake their heads harder than my grandma at a family reunion gossip session.
In conclusion, we salute you, Debritto, for turning Bukowski’s gnarly poetic truths into texts so smooth you might confuse them for a Hallmark card. Let’s all remember—when it comes to editing poetry, the less you think, the more you slink! They say good poets are a dime a dozen, but great editors are as rare as a hole-in-one on a windy day! So hoist your crooked glasses and brace yourself, as we attempt to resuscitate Bukowski’s vibe before it gets carried off by the existential dread of poetic mediocrity! 🎩📜✨
(Disclaimer: Actual poetic edits may or may not reflect reality, and any resemblance to harsh critiques of editors is purely coincidental unless they involve snakes in suits. You can’t be too careful.)
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , lareviewofbooks.org (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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