Breaking News: Lapeer’s Low-Key Cannabis Kings in a Sea of Sensational Scent!
In what can only be described as a plot twist worthy of a bad rom-com, Michigan decided in November 2018 to legalize cannabis for recreational use. Apparently, the voters thought, “Why not? We could use more green in Michigan aside from the trees!" So, after a little debate that probably smelled like burnt toast (or something a little more herbal), the state officially became the Midwest’s beacon of “Can I get a little high?” on December 6, 2018.
Fast forward to now, and let’s just say the cannabis scene in Michigan is as crowded as a bar during happy hour, only instead of sloshing beer, it’s all about “Mary Jane.” Municipalities have been playing a fantastic game of hide and seek over where to put these cannabis facilities—armed with a scented play-doh of aromas that waft through the air like little green fairies.
In the illustrious city of Lapeer, where the motto might as well be "Who needs a fresh breeze when you’ve got dank buds?", you’ll find Old School Organics, a cannabis cultivation kingdom run by three friends from Port Huron: Kelsey Zachow, Jason Allen, and Rich Ainsworth. Picture the three of them huddled around a graph charting the peak levels of “chill,” or perhaps coaxing their plants with a heartfelt serenade—all while trying to pass off their university education as even remotely relevant.
The trio, who seem to have formed a horticultural Avengers team, moonlighted as caregivers before taking the giant leap into the world of commercial cannabis. After 22 months of jumping through more bureaucratic hoops than a dog in an agility contest, they secured a license in February 2020. Apparently, the local building department was extremely thorough, approving their plans on the 13th submission. Yes, lucky number 13—the most ominous of all numbers—like the universe was out to ensure their organic buds rise to greatness.
With a sprawling 25,000-square-foot facility that currently uses half that space (because every crime—uh, I mean plant—needs a partner), they run a veritable green empire in their hometown! They even have a team of 31 devoted workers who are probably just thrilled they get to play with plants all day, watering them by hand and having full conversations about their hopes and dreams. One employee reportedly voices all the plants, giving them names like “Baby Yoda” and “Gelato XXX.” You just can’t forget the one that smells like blue cheese because who wouldn’t want their buds reminiscent of a cheese platter?
But let’s not lose sight of the fact that Old School Organics has captured a “fun” title at large: organic growers in an era where cannabis facilities are popping up like daisies on a sunny day—except much, much stickier. Only a daring 10% of growers are doing it organically, putting Old School on the map as the "ecological heroes" of the industry. If superheroes wore overalls instead of capes, they’d surely look like these guys!
But enough about the riveting “Nutrients and Light Cycle Chronicles” of cannabis cultivation; they’re also on the prowl for retail opportunities closer to home. Because who wouldn’t want their favorite local pot shop, conveniently located between the gas station and the taco joint? They dream of breaking the stigma associated with cannabis like it’s a piñata full of ugly beliefs—swinging hard enough to shatter misconceptions all over town.
In summary, Old School Organics is a blend of our favorite high school garden club fantasy meeting the realities of adulting. With a booming oganic business filled with classmates and a mission to transform their community’s perception of cannabis, it seems like the only thing they’re truly guilty of is having a little too much fun with their “buddy” adventures!
So here’s to you, Lapeer. Continue smelling like a concert where the opening act was “The Stoners.” And if you’re ever feeling low, just remember: the stigmas might be wearing off, but so are some killer strains—often with a hint of blue cheese!
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , thecountypress.mihomepaper.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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