BREAKING: United Nations Gets Serious About Duterte’s Crime Spree — But Only After Procrastinating For Three Years!
In a stunning twist on what must be the world’s worst kept secret, the United Nations has finally decided to take a teensy-weensy peek into President Rodrigo Duterte’s not-so-secret war on drugs in the Philippines. Yes, folks, after years of accusations about extrajudicial killings, enforced disappearances, and having a violent Netflix series as a national policy, the UN Human Rights Council has given a half-hearted thumbs up to investigate. Why? Because apparently, 5,300 official deaths weren’t enough to raise eyebrows, but when you’re talking about 12,000-20,000 real victims? Well, that’s just the right amount of “yikes” for UN approval!
The resolution, which squeaked through by the skin of its teeth (four votes, y’all — counting groups of pigeons doesn’t take that much effort), now puts the ultra-cool UN human rights chief, Michelle Bachelet, on the job. She’s like the detective who only shows up after the pizza party has started, and now she’s got a year to gather evidence of the “Death Squads” — you know, the hitmen right out of a B-movie script had they hired a high school drama club!
Duterte’s famous (infamous? catastrophic?) drug war has become the latest reality TV phenomenon: “Keeping Up with the Killing”! The official death toll? Just 5,300! But let’s be real, the real number is likely between “Oh my god!” and “What have I done?” as human rights groups scratch their heads in disbelief. Meanwhile, Duterte’s administration is stuck in a vicious cycle of lawful samurai-style police raids and unimaginative PR spin-doctoring.
And speaking of spin-doctoring, just when you thought the situation couldn’t get more ridiculous, the Philippines’ foreign secretary, Teodoro Locsin Jr., flipped the script. He outright rejected the resolution as a "politically partisan" move that couldn’t possibly understand the "truth on the ground." I mean, who needs facts when you have sheer audacity? Let’s add that they’re now announcing a new foreign policy: “Friend to friends, enemy to enemies, and an even worse enemy to false friends”. Sounds like the world’s grumpiest middle schooler wrote that one!
They also have V.I.P. treatment for any innocents lost in the chaos: including, tragically, a three-year-old girl accidentally shot during a raid. But don’t worry, former police chief Ronald dela Rosa reassures us that “stuff happens,” so you know, no big deal!
As dark clouds loom over the Philippines with reports of a “large-scale murdering enterprise” causing chills in the ICC, we can’t help but think: what’s next for Duterte? A “How-To” manual on bad governance? After all, it’s only a year until Bachelet serves up her report, and who knows? By then, he may have turned the whole thing into a musical! 🎶 “Let’s Kill the Drug Lords” — coming soon to a theater near you!
So brace yourselves, because it looks like the Duterte drama isn’t ending anytime soon. If you thought watching bad reality TV was a guilty pleasure, just wait until the investigative series drops! #StayTuned for all the wild twists and that oh-so-classic plot twist: accountability!
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.theguardian.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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