Breaking News: Local Girl Experiences Epic Cannabis Catastrophe, Calls 911 on Her Own Unfortunate Life Choices!
🎉🎈 Welcome to the most absurd house party of the year, ladies and gentlemen! 🎈🎉 You know the type—when the air is filled with the kind of laughter you suspect might require an adult to supervise, and one girl is just too quiet, clutching her chest like she’s auditioning for a scene from “The Titanic.”
Meet “Jessica,” the girlfriend of “Brad,” the guy nobody really wanted to invite but turned up anyway like a bad penny (or is it a dime? Whatever, you get the point). As soon as the second joint gets passed around, Jessica suddenly loses the ability to participate in any human social activity, opting instead for a dramatic portrayal of “The Girl Who Probably Shouldn’t Be Here.” But fear not! The dab machine is wheeled out, and Brad, with all the charm of a soggy chip, tries to convince her, “Come on, babe! You got this!”
Cue unfortunate life choices.
In a plot twist fit for a Shakespearean tragedy, Jessica takes a hit from the dab rig and immediately looks like she’s just tasted spicy lava. Her eyes widen, hands clutching her chest like it’s a Black Friday sale as she breathes like she just ran a marathon in heels. Somewhere in the background, Brad has the audacity to whisper, “I think she might be swooning,” as if this were an episode of “Days of Our Lives.”
As all good friends do, the group splits into two camps: those trying to console her and those just waiting for the inevitable panic-induced one-woman show. Spoiler alert: it just gets better (or worse, depending on how you view catastrophic turns of events). Jessica, now fully embracing her role as the party’s Greek tragedy, begins to channel her inner banshee, screaming an impressive repertoire of obscenities that would make a sailor blush, while simultaneously begging for someone to call 911.
🐤 Meanwhile, in the land of common sense: 🐤
How is calling 911 even a good idea in a house full of underage drinkers? 🙃 In certain states, calling an ambulance for excessive cannabis usage could result in a one-way ticket to the local jail—because why not? Risk it all for a panic attack, right? As the saying goes, "When in doubt, make a scene!" Thank goodness cannabis doesn’t actually cause a heart attack, but try telling that to Jessica as she’s convinced the Grim Reaper is at the door with a pizza cutter.
Enter Chris Allport, the true hero of our story, who once thought he was having a heart attack after encountering "The Leaf" for the first time. There he was in an upstairs bathroom battling his nemesis, a dry tongue, and somehow managing to dial 911 because he was sure his life was that dramatic. And bless his heart, he got a dispatcher who was simultaneously amused and helpful, reminding him that anxiety is the true villain of the piece, not the harmless plant. Like a comedic guardian angel, she managed to disarm him with kindness, perhaps knowing he’d be ringing her again after all the chaos.
In a decision akin to switching from Netflix to that bargain bin DVD selection, Chris opted against the expensive, wildly unnecessary lights-and-siren approach. The idea of cops showing up at a party full of people holding cups that they’re definitely not 21 yet was clearly more terrifying than the thought of succumbing to a tragic fate at the very snack table.
🎊 Pro Tip for the People: 🎊
The next time you’re on the fast track to panic while partaking in what some might call "herbal enlightenment," just remember: DON’T CALL 911! You won’t die, but you might just end up living through the most embarrassing story of your life, perfect for sharing at that next party you don’t want to be at.
So, here’s to Jessica, Brad, and all the dabbing disasters waiting to happen—a real-life reminder that perhaps the only 911 call we need is to our distant, sober friends to have the good sense to avoid all this! 🥳💚
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.forbes.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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