Breaking News: Black Keys to Embark on Epic Tour of "No Rain No Flowers" – Because Why Not?
Hold onto your hats, people, because the kings of "slightly bluesy rock" themselves, The Black Keys, are back at it with a fresh tour called "No Rain No Flowers." Yes, we know what you’re thinking: "What kind of flower shop did I walk into?" This North American escapade kicks off in May and June, as if May flowers needed a soundtrack (spoiler alert: they don’t).
In a plot twist that’s more dramatic than a soap opera, these majestic rock stars recently scrapped their entire 2024 international tour because, apparently, ticket sales were about as exciting as watching paint dry. And instead of crying into their guitars and blaming it on the weather (or the lack of flowers), they made the executive decision to drop their management team faster than a bad Tinder date. Because who wouldn’t want to take marching orders from a team that couldn’t sell out a backyard barbecue?
But don’t worry—they’ve channeled their inner Hemingway and decided to record a brand-spanking-new album, allegedly inspired by the world’s most optimistic title: “No Rain No Flowers.” How original! I can’t wait for their next album, “No Water No Plants.” The first single, “The Night Before,” is dropping on February 7—mark your calendars, or set a reminder on your flip phone, whichever suits your vibe.
Drummer Patrick Carney, the sage of the duo, shared his wisdom with the world: “Crap happens, like life itself, and sitting on the couch eating Cheetos was not on our agenda.” So instead, they grabbed the nearest microphone and decided to create music—because clearly, changing your management wasn’t enough of a kickoff. Auerbach chimed in with the profound revelation that “writing and recording has always been therapy for us.” Yes, because if I’ve learned anything from watching reality TV, it’s that strumming a guitar can definitely replace your therapist.
After a series of one-off appearances between February and April—presumably to avoid showing up at grandmas’ Saturday bingo nights—the boys are ready to hit the road like two excited puppies in a field of squeaky toys. The Black Keys will be gracing stages across the USA, from a casino in Oklahoma to a charming amphitheater in Arkansas named after a discount store. Because why play the Hollywood Bowl when you can perform at “Walmart’s Absolutely Free Parking Space?”
And lest we forget the supporting acts! You’ll get to jam out with Hermanos Gutiérrez, unless you miss the first date (who knew that was a private gig for the lucky few?), followed by the mysteriously named The Heavy Heavy. Sounds like the perfect blend of indie rock to slice cake to—get your forks ready!
So grab your sun hats and anti-rain gear, folks! The Black Keys are about to rock your socks off or at least make you question your life choices. Because if there’s one thing we learned from 2020, it’s that sometimes going back to the studio is just as good as staging a massive international tour that no one is interested in attending. Enjoy the flowers, or whatever breaks the fall of rain! 🌼🎸
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , ultimateclassicrock.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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