Breaking News: Kansas Football Team Discovers New Method for Goal Post Disposal, Sparking National Trend!
In a breathtaking display of grassroots engineering and unadulterated enthusiasm, the University of Kansas students broke tradition—and possibly the laws of common sense—this weekend by joyfully whisking away a goal post after their football team’s latest triumphant romp. Because why not? Who needs goal posts when you’ve got the heart and reckless abandon of a thousand college students on a sugar rush?
Enter the wise security chief, a man who’s clearly seen it all (or at least watched enough reality TV to pretend he has). Instead of launching into an epic tirade that would leave even the Kardashians speechless, he opted for the zen approach. “What’s he going to do? Yell at them?” Ha! No thank you! There’s no time for raising blood pressure over a piece of metal weighing roughly as much as three frat houses. Instead, he chose to bestow his wisdom upon the crowd, channeling his inner parent. "Just let them screw up!" he seemed to say, possibly while trying to hold back a tear of nostalgia for his own college days spent maximizing the art of late-night pizza runs.
In his grand proclamation, the security maestro revealed that they “expected” this kind of chaos to unfold—because nothing says “foresight” quite like anticipating a stampede of barely-coherent students consuming copious amounts of celebratory beverages and mistaking a goal post for a trophy. As it turns out, their master plan was not to prevent the inevitable but rather to ensure they were well out of harm’s way like a clever camouflaged deer at a hunting party.
And honestly, who could blame these energetic kids? After all, this is Kansas football we’re talking about—an institution where students have endured years of being semi-relevant, struggling for glory like an underdog puppy trying to climb onto the couch while weighed down with six bowls of kibble.
This magnificent loss of a goal post has ignited a rallying cry. Kansas football fans are now embracing their new slogan: “We lost a goal post. Shit happens!” Yes, that’s right, folks. This week, corporate offices across America are expected to adopt the new motto too: “We lost our top customer. Shit happens.” or “We lost the Excel sheet that detailed our entire budget. Shit happens.” Truly, a trend we can all monumentally screw up together, one paper-shredded document at a time.
So here’s to Kansas football—not just a team, but a shining beacon of resilience! Remember, my friends: whether it’s goal posts or your last shred of dignity, when life gives you a heaping pile of chaos, just sit back, raise a glass, and toast to the beautiful unpredictability of being a college student living life on the edge of reason! May the skies shower your parties with goal posts, and may your failures become the absurd memes we cherish!
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.barstoolsports.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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