Breaking News: New Jersey Declares Recreational Marijuana Legal, Residents Now Required to Wear Tie-Dye at All Times!
Hold onto your bagels, folks! New Jersey has officially thrown its hat into the ring of the questionable life choices club by legalizing recreational marijuana just a whopping three months after residents voted in favor of it. Apparently, the Garden State took their sweet time because they were too busy debating the critical pressing issues: "Is it ‘Taylor Ham’ or ‘Pork Roll’?" and “Have you seen what’s happening to our state flag?”
Speaking of the state flag, can we just take a moment to appreciate this masterpiece? Jimmy Kimmel hilariously pointed out that the person who designed it must have been high enough to start a new breed of cannabis. I mean, who doesn’t want to feature two women, one wielding a hat on a stick? And let’s not forget the horse’s head—or is it a knight’s helmet?—that would make even a Dungeons & Dragons character cringe. The backdrop looks suspiciously like the forgotten paint color from your mom’s kitchen circa 1981. Seriously, that flag is practically begging to be reimagined as rolling paper.
Not wanting to miss the chance to capitalize on this marijuana utopia, Kimmel and his sidekick Guillermo Rodriguez unveiled a stunning lineup of custom marijuana strains—because just the thought of “Bong Jovi” and “Bruce SpringStoned” is enough to make the state anthem a little extra groovy. Let’s not even get started on “Dank Sinatra,” which just might lead to a whole new genre: ‘High-Swing’.
Meanwhile, over at The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, the American Idol of awkward interviewing, our host attempted the impossible. He tried to chat with the real Bruce Springsteen via an off-screen impersonator. Spoiler alert: Even Bob Dylan couldn’t save him from the garble of Springsteen’s mumbling! Picture two music legends from different planets trying to communicate through a malfunctioning Walkman. Bravo, Fallon! After some hard-hitting questions that might’ve made sense if they were deciphered by a trained cryptologist, Fallon wrapped it up with “We got ‘em, folks!” as if he’d just discovered the lost city of Atlantis.
In a dramatic twist plucked from the history of state legislation involving more bureaucracy than a spaghetti Western, Gov. Phil Murphy finally signed three bills to launch the cannabis industry. Now, New Jersey has joined the ranks of the enlightened 13 states who’ve told federal authorities to take a chill pill and let the people puff away.
Did we mention that two-thirds of New Jersey residents signed off on this creative endeavor like it was the last slice of pizza at a Friday night gathering? After years of failed attempts at legalization, it seems the secret to success was simply waiting until everyone went through their “let’s just live for the weekend” phase. So, brace yourself, New Jersey! The only thing higher than your carbon emissions is about to be your residents.
So light up those disco brownies and embrace the madness! New Jersey, where the roads are always congested and your neighbor’s Bob Marley poster just became state art. 
Disclaimer Alert!
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.phillyvoice.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 
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