Breaking News from the Department of No Regrets: Former President Duterte Schools Us on the Fine Art of Blame and Denial!
Ah, the illustrious Rodrigo Duterte, our very own master of ceremonies for the “Let’s Pretend Everything is Fine” show! Picture this: a Senate hearing that’s supposed to dive into the bloody mess of his drug war, but instead, Duterte decided it was the perfect time for a little creative storytelling about his really good intentions behind the “let’s-off-people-without-a-trial” tactic.
In a dazzling display of philosophical prowess at the Senate, he confessed, with the flair of a magician revealing his secrets, that maintaining a death squad during his Davao mayoral reign wasn’t, in fact, a crime—oh no! That’s just his passion for “solutions.” Forget about therapy and rehabilitation; this guy thinks lethal injection is the answer to everything. After all, everyone knows that violence is the best way to foster community relations, right?
Meanwhile, the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee, helmed by the distinguished Sen. Aquilino “KoKo” Pimentel III (who, let’s be real, sounds more like a dessert topping than a serious politician), brought together witnesses who bravely shared tales of tragedy while Duterte and his crew, featuring Sens. Ronald “I Heart Death” de la Rosa and the ever-chipper Christopher Lawrence “Bong” Go, looked on. They nodded thoughtfully, akin to toddlers pretending to pay attention as the adult talks about taxes.
But wait, there’s more! Outside the Senate, pro-Duterte supporters attempted to stage a rally, but their numbers were dwarfed by a slew of anti-Duterte protesters wielding banners and chants that actually made sense. It was like showing up to a duel with a rubber chicken—ineffectual and downright laughable!
So, folks, if you ever need a poster child for the power of denial and the triumph of “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time,” look no further than Rodrigo Duterte. As he waddles away from the Senate, possibly chased by a mob of angry citizens demanding accountability, one thing’s for sure: this is the man who could turn any situation into a comic tragedy worthy of Shakespeare — if Shakespeare had a fondness for cringeworthy one-liners and questionable life advice.
And in case you’re wondering, yes, this display of genius was brought to you by the backers of the “We Actually Care, But Not Really” party. Stay tuned for more riveting episodes of “What Will Duterte Say Next!” Tune in next time when he discusses his innovative approach to bird watching: "Why just look, when you can shoot?"
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , verafiles.org (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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