[Breaking News from Your Favorite Stoned Anchor]
Cue the psychedelic background and groovy music…
Host: "Hey there, fellow leaf lovers and political junkies—welcome to another trippy edition of ‘Budweiser News’ where the grass is greener, the vibes are higher, and the candidates… well, let’s just say they’re a little more ‘hazy’ than usual!"
Heavy sigh, adjusting glasses made of swirling colors…
Host: "So, check this out, my dudes: it turns out a dope dispensary down in Arizona—because where else?—has decided to dive straight into the deep end of democracy with a brand-new campaign they’ve dubbed ‘Toke the Vote!’That’s right! Who needs civics lessons when you can toke your way through the electoral process? Genius, right?"
Pauses to have a philosophical moment, then chuckles…
Host: "Meet Curaleaf, the genius brainchild behind this campaign, which has magically transformed the political landscape into a festival of flavors that’s more decadent than a double-scoop of Ben & Jerry’s on a hot summer day! They’ve got three blockbuster strains named after your favorite presidential candidates, and let me tell you, they’re blazing a trail through the political hazy meadow. You want Kamala Kush? Puff, puff, pass! Longing for some Donald OG? Light it up and let the debates take a back seat, folks! And don’t forget Space Jill for our Green Party pals—perfect for those moments when you want to feel totally out of this world! 🌌🚀"
Giggles like a school kid…
Host: "Now, don’t you worry—you won’t get mixed up among the strains ‘cause they all cost a cool $30 for an eighth. That’s right, just like your favorite fast food… but tastier, and with far fewer regrets! And remember, my enlightened friends, every hit is crafted to be equally ‘presidential’ with all three strains strutting their stuff at a robust 29.5% THC. ‘Cause who needs healthcare policy when you can have a ‘hybrid dominance’ that just makes life feel so… cheesy and zesty!
Winks at the camera, gives a thumbs up…
Host: "But wait, what about the great political showdown? Our super-sophisticated social scientists—oh wait, it’s just the Curaleaf staff—are checking in on sales, and it looks like it’s neck-and-neck between Donald OG and Kamala Kush. You see, it’s like an election night special—just with more munchies and way less debate prep! Who knew our national pastime would consist of waiting in line for pot instead of voting?"
Sways back and forth, eyes narrowing in deep thought…
Host: "So whether you’re getting high for Harris, smoking dope for Donald, or just trying to figure out Space Jill’s entire platform, the key takeaway here is that democracy just got a whole lot more… interesting! No need to stress about issues when you can light up and contemplate the mysteries of existence, like, ‘What if the universe is just one giant weed? Woah.‘"
Chuckles uncontrollably…
Host: "And of course, these magic strains will be on the shelves until Election Day—because nothing says ‘my vote matters’ like a good sesh! So light one up, and remember that at the end of the day, we all have one common goal: staying high while keeping an eye on the lowdown of politics! Catch you on the next wave of wisdom, folks—stay groovy!"
Anchor air-guitars to nonexistent music as the screen fades out…
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , https://www.fox10phoenix.com/news/curaleaf-offers-politically-inspired-marijuana-strains-named-after-presidential-candidates (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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