Greetings, Earthlings: A Mercury Retrograde Comedy of Errors
Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round! Hold onto your hats, your smartphones, and, for the love of all that is holy, your microwave ovens, because we are diving deep into the dark and twisted waters of Mercury Retrograde! This isn’t just any retrograde; this is the kind that makes you question your entire existence and your life choices, like that time you decided to join a bingo league for the thrill of it. Spoiler alert: it’s not thrilling.
So, let me lay down this tragicomedy of mine, complete with oversized metaphors and a sprinkle of cosmic doom because who doesn’t love a little drama while waiting for their $500 iPhone to load like it’s being powered by a hamster on a wheel?
1. iPhone Upgrade: More Regret Than an Ex-BF
I decided to upgrade my phone just to get the Saturn emoji. Because obviously, my life hinged on having that celestial beauty at my fingertips. Fast forward to my new phone moving at the speed of a hundred-year-old tortoise. Guess how many times I’ve used that Saturn emoji? That’s right – once. Bravo for wasted money!
2. My Microwave is a Serial Killer
I thought I could handle some ambitious baking, but my microwave had other plans. It exploded with the drama of a soap opera season finale, leaving me with nothing but canned beans and ramen noodles. Bon appétit, right?
3. Call the Charger Police
My iPhone charger is more kaput than my last New Year’s resolution. It’s a miracle that it lasted as long as it did, but I guess it was too busy enjoying the “freedom” (i.e., NOT working).
4. Back Pain: What a Nerdy Way to Self-Sabotage
On the very first day of the retrograde, I woke up in a tangle, with a back that felt like it was auditioning for a role in "Dying of Pain." I’m surprised I didn’t ask Siri to call a chiropractor at this point.
5. The ‘Work Trip’ that Never Was
Oh, what a cruel twist of fate that I had to give up a work trip to New York City, not just because of my back but also because the universe likes to throw curveballs. And I’m no Derek Jeter, people.
6. Passport Fiasco: Mould or Modern Art?
Checked my passport (you know, the one that’s now growing its own ecosystems) and lo and behold! Mold. Because why not? I must’ve looked stunning last August throwing $500 on an outdated passport just to deliver this marvelous twist.
7. The Bag Snatch — A Thief’s Lottery Win
And it gets juicier! My tote bag was stolen, complete with my brand-new Calvin Klein scent and Apple headphones. Congratulations, thief! You’ve got good taste! My loss was your gain, and now I’m slinking around without keys like a misplaced spy.
8. Apartment Apocalypse
Now here’s a plot twist for the cinematic universe: My building has magically transformed into a condemned property! Am I in a horror movie or is it just me? Apartment hunting during retrograde? That’s like setting off fireworks on a windy day!
9. Real Estate Roulette
I actually got approved for a place but turned it down like a contestant on “The Bachelor.” Here’s a tip: avoid signing documents when the cosmos seems to be in a bad mood. Who knew realtors could give you judgmental glares that could pierce souls?
10. Bond, Whatchu Talkin’ About?
This cheerful ding-dong noticed some minor damages in my rental, resulting in a lost security bond that would make a grown man weep. Bye-bye $1,000! Hopefully, those tears don’t ruin the carpet.
11. Texting Blunders 101
Let’s not forget the classic mix-up of sending an “unprofessional” text to the wrong person. Rookie mistake, I know! Excuse me while I toss my iPhone into the Sydney Harbour with all my hopes and dreams.
12. Instagram Stalking Gone Wrong
Ever lose your favorite necklace only to find it… then lose it again? Oh, sweet irony, how you treat me as if I’m an amateur magician. Voila! It’s gone again.
13. Toilet Paper Crisis
The supermarket is out of toilet paper, causing an apocalypse of biblical proportions. God forbid you cross paths with another human when you need to freshen up!
14. Uber Hiccups
Three Uber drivers cancelled on me like they were auditioning for “America’s Next Top Model.” Each of them thinking, “I’m not famous enough for this disaster; let someone else handle the chaos!”
15. Throat Infection Reboot
As if my back and sanity weren’t enough, a throat infection decided it wanted a guest star role in my personal drama, interrupting my beautiful sleep cycle. The universe has a great sense of humor, doesn’t it?
16. Tagging Fiasco
I posted something super classy on Instagram only to tag the wrong brand, whose therapist definitely heard about my mistake.
17. Social Media: Pfft!
Had tiffs with friends? Check. I now have more blocked contacts than positive vibes. Mercury can be a real mood-killer!
18. Major Skin Crisis
Unexpected breakouts? It must be my aura fighting back against this cosmic nonsense. I mean, thank you, retrograde for reminding me that the folly of youth is but a fleeting glimpse.
19. Food-induced Spending Freeze
Running out of money before payday? 2-minute noodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, baby! They’re practically gourmet now. Bon appétit indeed!
20. Dinner Plans with a Side of Desperation
Planning to smuggle in my 2 minutes of fame to an upscale dinner? Why not? I’ll just call it avant-garde dining.
21. Broken Boardies
Splitting my favorite board shorts was the icing on this cosmic cake. Truly, fashion gods are smiting me personally.
22. Late to Work? Bring on the Drama
Running in the rain, late to work like it’s a season finale cliffhanger — because of course, the world can’t just let me be on time when mercury decides to turn.
23. Stains of Suspicion
Lastly, a stain on my t-shirt makes me feel like a character in a ‘90s sitcom. Cue the laugh track!
Let’s face it, folks—it’s just me and my stunning ability to gather misfortune like it’s a hobby. Remember, if you’re feeling low, you can borrow some of my fabulous calamities. Blessed to be a walking catastrophe, one episode of "Unlucky in the City" at a time. Cheers!
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.pedestrian.tv (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
0 Comments